The art of making mountains

We talked for hours
that shattered into days
before we realized
it had left us

strangers

digging through mud
and shit
for the relief
that we never knew

wasn't what we needed

Yet we clung to it
with an iron grip
turning pebbles
into mountains

just to have something
to feel small against

Alcuin of York -
The “shattered” doesn’t seem to fit. “Crumbled” perhaps, but the connotation of shattering is noise, violence, obviousness; and these don't fit with “before we realized”, which connotes something sneaking up, growing unobtrusively.
The rest of the write works well, and I especially like the last 2 strophes. They are full of good images, they are simple and direct, yet effective. One small error: I think that “heldfast” should be two words.
Alcuin

Jen -

Hi,

How about scattered instead of shattered or crumbled? For some reason I want you to keep a word that begins with "s" there.

I think it would be holdfast not heldfast and neither really works. Perhaps "Yet we fastened to it."

Just a few ideas to think about.

Alcuin of York -
Well, my point was that "holdfast" is a noun - I believe you meant the verb: We held fast...etc.
I don't see any problem with the tone or meter that would be a bad-bad, but maybe it doesn't sound right to your ear.
Alcuin

Derma Kaput -
Not to disparage the other readers, but I wouldn't change a thing in this poem. I love the way it reads and develops. As for hours shattering into days, I think that's a wonderful way to start the poem off - its an unexpected, vital verb and introduces the emotional feeling of "shattered" into the poem very economically. Does it work in the context? To my mind, yes, unequivocally - I think it's even necessary to the poem, its weight being emotionally accurate rather than purely descriptive. It throws me off kilter right from the start and I think that's where I read this poem best. My favorite part of this piece, though, is the one word line between the first and second stanzas - changing, or adding to, the meaning of the preceding line, then rolling right into the metaphors of the second stanza. Absolutely perfect.

Somday In May -

Thank you all for your comments. I thought long and hard about the word "shattered". I seem to really like it there, for my own personal meaning, though your point was well made. I was going more for the image "shattered" leaves...if that makes sense.

But what do I know

~Mandi

Derma Kaput -
What do you know? Its your poem! I was reading through the comments again - you must have changed "heldfast" to "clung" before I ever read this. Very nice choice of words (if I'm in the right place on that.) One more note on "shattered" - though its far removed from the word "shit" later on, I think there's a strong alliterative connection between the two that is very pleasing to the ear.