I miss...

1- Anstey on Feb. 10 2007

You say, "Son, your father is just an asshole. It has nothing to do with you."

stephan

2- ShannonV on Feb. 11 2007

here here.

my dad is an asshole. my mom says "ignore him, he's an asshole"

works pretty well, srsly.

I miss the comraderie as well. As far as the asshole, you tell your son the truth and then let him see for himself. There is absolutely nothing you can do to shield him from the jerk and his actions but you can be there to help your son through these realizations. Then we can and will be here to help you through while you are holding him up....we will hold you up

I am orbiting, I don't know where, but I am orbiting something!

4- TriOak on Feb. 15 2007

Oh how I dealt this this one with my step sons! It's a fine line you walk. On one hand, you need to acknowledge and confirm what they are already seeing. On the other hand, trashing their father has its own reprecussions (sp?). What I used to do is tell the boys that just because you love someone, it doesn't mean they are perfect. And you can be mad at someone you love when they do rotten things. As they got older, I also tried to get them to understand that loving and accepting someone as they were didn't mean letting them treat you as a doormat either.

Look at it this way, they're going to have to deal with difficult people in their lives -- this is just really good practice at an early age.

I never stopped missing the comraderie. Even now that he's dead and I've moved on to another relationship, I still miss the things that were special and unique between us. What made you love someone doesn't dissappear just because their jerkness outweighs their niceness.

5- Anstey on Feb. 15 2007

"
Look at it this way, they're going to have to deal with difficult people in their lives -- this is just really good practice at an early age. "

The problem I have with that is that a parent isn't supposed to be part of the problem,t hey're supposed to be the first step in a solution.

BIG sigh.

stephan

6- ShannonV on Feb. 15 2007

Yah, key phrase "supposed to". In a perfect world kind of crap. In reality, I think like 50 percent of EVERYONE is a fucking jackass, so logically 50 percent of parents are gonna be jackasses. It's too bad, but oh well. Plus maybe someday the kid can grow up and forgive their jackass parent... even if he RUINED THEIR LIFE AND LEFT THEM RACKED WITH LOW SELF ESTEEM.
I'm NOT projecting. Not.

"The problem I have with that is that a parent isn't supposed to be part of the problem,t hey're supposed to be the first step in a solution."

7- TriOak on Feb. 15 2007

" [quote]
The problem I have with that is that a parent isn't supposed to be part of the problem,t hey're supposed to be the first step in a solution.

BIG sigh.
-----
stephan "

Oh I hear ya on that one! The damage my stepson's mother did to them is profound and permanent and I really weep for them sometimes. But. . . there's always a but. . when you become an adult, you have to take responsibility for all your actions, not just blame your parent's screwed up parenting -- no matter how much they're really at fault. What we tried to do with the boys is to teach them that they couldn't change the bad things in their life, but they could choose how to deal with them. Not sure how much it worked, since they've done nothing but screw me over royally since their dad died But at least we tried.

I get so angry at how children are treated sometimes. And then you have people in government talking about mandatory sentences and punitive measures that just crush people. Punishment is completely inneffective for anyone who has never learned the appropriate behavior. It's a vicious cycle.

Kathy

8- EmilyRose on Feb. 20 2007

It took me until I was thirty five to find the guts to tell my parents to stop using me as a pawn in their endless petty bickering or to stay out of my life.

My mother apologized and told me she loved me. My father told me stay out of his life. He said a relationship with me wasn't worth it.

I know the damage divorce can wreak. I know what it's like when adults think more of their own pain then the well being of their children and I swore that would not happen to my son.

What I didn't count on was that while it takes two to fight, it also takes two to be peaceful.

Let me tell you this, from a person who has lived this as both a child and a parent, you are all right, but in the end, I lean toward Stephan's point of view. We take a silent vow when we decide to nurture another life. That vow is to raise good, healthy, happy adults. Part of that vow is to be our children's strength, example and solice.

It should be a crime to the cause of their pain in order to meet our own needs.