Splitting - Shakespeare's Monkeys

The smug relief to hear he might be cheating:

I wonder if 'A' or "It is a" might be better than "The " I don't know why but it felt unnatural to me and I had to really think about it.

not me; not us; not yet. We had our doubts
when she dissembled at the Resident's Meeting,
concocting "business trips" for his whereabouts.

That is my favorite part right there. The concocted business trips - in quotes - has a certain level of snark that appeals to me.

They lose; we win. Is this how you compare?

Who are "They?" I feel like i Missed something there.

Perhaps, if us, you’d merely mouth good riddance,
resigned, relieved; too cold to have a care;
your "C'est la vie" a last indifference.

The line "Your c'est la vie" is really good.

But if you did ask why, I’d sigh the need

Why not "If you asked why?"

to fabricate a time - a distant day
some random summer hence; when meeting, we’d

I don't understand this line break

be strangers struck beside a river, say,
or under parkland trees; amazed to find
our lost beginning shock us into rewind.

I like the ending.

U668857 -

Many thanks for the comments, Stephan. Yes, I wondered if the various pronouns might confuse the reader here.

Basically it's one couple (the "me" and "you") contemplating the split up of another couple (the "he" and "she" referred to as "they" at l5) .

As for the phrasing and lineation, this is a sonnet (or posing as one!)...so I try and approximate to iambic pentameter and a Shakespearean rhyme scheme (using enjambment in the sestet).

As ever a hit and miss affair...good to see some activity on the site again...BRgds., Alan.

Stephan Anstey -

Wow, I am ignorant, I totally missed the sonnetosity of the piece. I did a quick rhyme-scan and didn't notice that. Sorry! Which is to say - I wasn't paying close enough attention because the rhyme is clearly there.

Christy Wells -

Reading, I feel that I'm seeing and hearing both from and with an immediacy of the narrator's perspective until the final couplet, at which point I lose my connection and understanding--the disconnect frustrates me to some fabrication of my own:)

U668857 -

Many thanks for the comment, Christy. I'd be interested to hear more about your own fabrication - what thoughts are prompted by the ending ? All reaction and interpretation is valid to a point...Rgds., Alan

Christy Wells -

...that the indifference of 'c'est la vie' in this context is the dead end; ...that the narrator considers even the pretense of fabrication a preferable alternative to that indifference; that the consequence of indifference is its capacity to remove the engagement of beauty, heat, life, possibility from history.

U668857 -

Thanks for the response, Christy.

When you focus on that "indifference" of "C'est la vie" it certainly appears to be a very bleak prospect.

It's worth pointing out that much of this is conjecture - "Perhaps" and "But if.."

a sort of worse-case scenario...prompted by the split of the other couple...I think the "fabricated" future is indeed a reaction to this possible bleak indifference (as you suggest)...and what's being fabricated?...a distant future where they (the couple) might meet again as strangers and begin all over again...a rather forlorn little hope but a positive of sorts...

Laura doom -

Pleased to hear you state that this 'approximates' a Shakespearean sonnet; it doesn't scan perfectly, but that's not critical -- forms are there to be used, and not necessarily to definitively shape a piece of poetry. It can be useful to use a form such as the sonnet, for organising themes and ideas, whether it's octet/sestet, as you have here, or quatrains/couplet; and you seem to have employed the volta for a shift of perspective.

The theme is quite mundane, while the execution is fairly complex, so phrases like 'some random summer hence' made me smile -- an amalgam of informal and pseudo-archaic -- while the alliterative elements helped balance the stacatto sections.

I wondered about the 'strangers struck' until connecting with 'amazed to find', and the last line incorporates grammatical shorthand, which threw me on first reading, but works well in the context, as does the unstressed final syllable.

I think I've written maybe two or three half-decent sonnets, so I'm hoping you'll have more idea about what I'm saying here than I do...

Stephan Anstey -

That's 5 more good sonnets than me Laura. I also like the mix of casual and semi-formal in this piece. It has held me for a couple of days now. I keep coming back. I am a sucker for the commonplace examined closely and made new and interesting in the examination.

U668857 -

Thanks Laura, Stephan. Yes, I tend to blur the form somewhat and aim for a contemporary sound. There is some convoluted syntax here, placing words/phrases in parenthesis...Rgds., Alan.