Across a Room - Shakespeare's Monkeys

Across a Room

Well, I guess I'm still working on this one - constructive criticism would be appreciated.

Across a Room

A decade of wanting winds blowing
Beyond the threshold of perception,
Psyche having foreseen this moment;
Souls wrapped around a blue rose,
The pendant charting a course to you.

With these diagonal positions
I faced you from a safe distance,
For previous engagements pending
I kept myself emotionally removed;
But those priorities drifted away
When I gazed into vivid eyes of blue.

The waves of memory came alive
Breaking on my sentiments,
Washing them with remembrance
And reviving sleeping adoration.
My eyes were drawn to your lips
I recalled the feel of them on mine,
An optical dance ensued
As modesty’s colors began to rise.

Affections swayed in my depths
As your tidal affect on my disposition
Shifted currents and altered my course;
As your fingers plucked strings of stars,
Changing the placement of the sky’s adornment
With your celestial song.

You left with tokens of devotion
The night left me with my thoughts,
As Nyx retreated, Aurora shared
Communal tears upon the ground;
As the universe within me quivered
At the thought of your endless absence,
Until elusive resolution was found.

I sent you stardust supplications
And you sent me glad acceptance,
Now we share this empyrean sphere
As we chart our course around a glance.

Ok - someone mentioned they thought it would be better in present tense. Here's that version:

Across a Room

A decade of wanting winds blowing
Beyond the threshold of perception,
Psyche having foreseen this moment
Souls wrapped around a blue rose,
This pendant charted a course to you.

With these diagonal positions
I face you from a safe distance,
For previous engagements pending
I keep myself emotionally removed;
But these other priorities fade away
When I gaze into vivid eyes of blue.

The waves of memory come alive
Breaking on my sentiments,
Washing them with remembrance
And reviving sleeping adoration.
My eyes are drawn to your lips
I recall the feel of them on mine;
An optical dance ensues
As modesty’s colors begin to rise.

Affections sway in my depths
As your tidal affect on my disposition
Shifts current and alters my course,
While your fingers pluck strings of stars
Changing the placement of the sky’s adornment
With your celestial song.

You leave with tokens of devotion
The night leaves me with my thoughts.
As Nyx retreats, Aurora shares with me
Communal tears upon the ground;
As the universe within me quivers
At the thought of your endless absence,
Until elusive resolution is found.

I send you stardust supplications
And you send me glad acceptance,
Now we share this empyrean sphere
As we chart our course around a glance.

Comments

Mosquitobyte -

I have to say, on a first, quick read...I prefer the 2nd version, it has much greater immediacy.

Mos.