
You almost lost me with the opening line on this, the chilled blood is not a good line. THere has to be some sort of twist to it or it's almost as pure an example of cliche as there is. And then the follow up with the aching bones -- sorry man. I can't give this a thumbs up.

he he, truth be told, I'm still trying to find a much better opening. Glad you agree!
Mos.

Definitely better. What do you think about more of an image of an assailant holding you down with a knee? The heartless thing, I think you could improve by going more metaphorical and less expository.

hmmmm you have something there, though it's actually giving me an idea for a whole new piece rather than just tweaking this one! lol
Mos.