Stained-Glass

Stained-Glass

Behind the stained-glass windows
the shadows flock within
beyond the hues of muted panes
they hang their heads in sin

When the shadows kneel and pray
to cleanse their sins away
they sing and read the book of psalms
to sin another day

When the prayers are all used up
the shadows bleat and dwell
beyond the shards of muted panes
inside their stained-glass hell

1- Rws on Jul. 29 2008

Uncharacteristically dark and sobering. And true.

Jen, this has an excellent mood and is well written -- one instant fix is needed in L2 of the last stanza, gather just doesn't fit the meter. I'd suggest "the shadows flock to dwell". Also, into in the last line is not quite grammatically correct, they can't be dwelling into, it really needs to be just in, which would mean a two-syllable adjective is needed before stained-glass "in SOMETHING stained-glass hell" because otherwise your meter's going to be shot. I will go through this more thoroughly after breakfast but on first read it's really quite impressive.

3- Anstey on Jul. 29 2008

I read a poem like this from Jen, and it makes me want to dope slap all the morons who think she's 'just a silly kids writer'

4- Aphasic on Jul. 30 2008

Stuff I relish (not sure if that's a good thing) - the stuff of bad dreams and outrage.
And yes - I agree with Leannes suggestions.
If you decide to got with 'where shadows flock to dwell', you could pair it with 'where shadows bleat within' (S1), which would also enhance the rhythm/meter.
Unsure about that last line 'fix' - perhpas something like 'in purest stained-glass hell'? Or even 'as one in stained-glass hell'. (?)
I notice this has had a large number of views in a relatively short time - not surprising, having read it.

5- Leanne on Jul. 30 2008

Oh yes, I like bleating as well.

6- Jen on Jul. 30 2008

Thanks for the great suggestions and comments!

I changed a few things. Hopefully for the better:)

7- Colleen on Jul. 30 2008

I like the changes you've made here Jen. It reads wonderfully to me!