Leanne - First impression is, the words work perfectly with the background -- the subtle font changes are nicely done as well. The words... I like "dark years", it's so obvious that I'm horrified I haven't seen it before, and it's ideal. I think "destined for deletion" is a bit much, though. "simplicity suffocating symbiosis" is really stretching my tolerance for alliteration. "heaven's scent sating earthly appetite" -- now, my first thought was "does a scent actually sate an appetite?" because I'd have thought that it would whet it instead, but then again you think of all the desperate sniffers following that trail and realise that they don't want the meal, just the promise that they won't go hungry for eternity. So, it's a good line. I think the last two lines of that stanza are overdone though, they're kind of bludgeoning -- I know some people need a good bludgeon now and then, but if they haven't got it by then they're already brain dead.
So, in short (should probably have done the short version instead of boring you to tears and giving myself an excuse to use yet another cliche): good idea, good execution, too much is taking away from just enough.
Aphasic - Ha! Well, yes - I felt destiny was becoming somewhat complacent, so I decided to give it a vigorous pummelling with a macrofibre-tipped pen filled with isopropanol. If you'd seen the original 2002 version, you'd have thrown up. I'm thinking about that issue, and the rest... more later [no, really, I've almost regained a piece of ground between the final frontier and the land of the livid :> ]
Buttons...what can I say? Even if pressed, not much at all. How misleading is that?
Leanne - I think disintegrating is better than suffocating in that you still maintain alliterative value but it's not so blatant.
The deletion issue. Hmm. Alternatives don't exactly jump out at you do they? Here's a thought. What about:
a distant future flashback
destined for
-- delete --
Now I think senseless is actually the problem in the Penultimate's penultimate stanza -- it's kind of a blah word now that it's been hijacked by journalists (such a senseless waste of human life etc).
I don't mind a good bludgeon provided it's in the right hands.
Aphasic - "Now I think senseless is actually the problem in the Penultimate's penultimate stanza -- it's kind of a blah word now that it's been hijacked by journalists (such a senseless waste of human life etc). "
Yeh - that is a shame, because I was using 'senseless' to convey the idea of an absence of senses - insentient. Why am I telling you this? (i.e. explaining what you already know) Somewhat senseless (of me) I guess :>.
Journalists...really no better than poets - bastards.
I like the "--delete--" suggestion, it has an air of finality whilst emphasising the 'cutting-room floor' inference.
I'm now entering disintegration mode - so, many happy wrappings and tomorrow is already a new today...
Aphasic - Oh yes - no doubt GB wil be (headed) there, together with mummy (Sarah) & estranged wife (Prudence)...and, of course, GB (headless).
"So, what have we got?"
"Global food shortages."
"OK - global GM project - make 'em live on plastic."
[prequel]
"So, what have we got?"
"Climate change, energy crisis."
"Ok - bio-fuels."
"Sorted."
Aphasic - Anstey - if you've lived to plead for another, it's obviously not as effective as I'd intended...
Aphasic - The problem with you is - you just don't know when you're beaten...
and I obviously need a fix a better punchline.
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