fragments

I realised it was time. I listened to that voice in the back of my head constantly whispering that things have got to be better than this. The old cliches of love finding a way If you love someone set them free You only hurt the ones you love. I have the bruises to prove it. He cried. I cried. He held me and said he was sorry. I told him I was too and he made me a packed lunch and said he couldn't let me go. I wiped my tears against his neck and told him I couldn't stay because I don't think there is anything of me remaining.

Packed my clothes into the boot of my car with time wound down so that each second stretched before me and drove 800 miles in the pouring rain stopping every 15 minutes to dry my eyes and grip the steering-wheel until my knuckles cracked. Finally noticing that I has forgotten to eat for 22 hours and had nowhere to drive to no home no love no life. I would vomit if it wasn't for the emptiness of my stomach.

The guilt makes me quiver. The pain. I secretly hope that his guilt is eating him alive. That he thinks of me every night before falling to sleep and knows that he continually threw our relationship back at me. Watched me collect the shattered fragments and sit awake piecing it back together ready for the morning. As if nothing had ever happened. I tell myself that its for the best for my sanity yet still I feel like I'm falling down. I still cant eat.

So if you love someone you you set them free but I've never felt more trapped. Caged and sick to my core. Lost. In a big city miles away from the man I love the man who has hurt me so many times. Broken me and erased me. The shadow of each day stretches in the setting sunlight and I try to remember what I was like before. How I looked. How I spoke. Did I ever sleep for more that 3 hours a night?

I cant remember and I still cant eat.