On open water - Shakespeare's Monkeys

on open water

on open water

we are careful in the canoes.
it is winter
and open water fills with ice.

we glide
as winter geese.
our paddles cut the lake.
we are quiet in our care.

this silver water
could empty us
into forever.
it is cold without the sun.

we draw water under us,
calm and flat,
move easily from shore
to forest.

owl must hunt in light
since snows have come.
until he bends his flight,
he is winter breast and wing.

our canoes are light.
we stay close by shore.

we travel carefully on open water.

(this is from a recurrent dream I have had since childhood, literally for as long as I can remember. I think it's a recollection of a past existence of mine in the Northeastern forests.)

Alcuin of York -
Needs work, dude: Repetition of ‘winter'; S2 ends w/2 short sentences, sound stilted; Ditto S3L4; etc.

Some may think the ‘past existence' stuff is a bit whacko. I do not. I think the typical portrayal is incorrect, but I definitely believe that something associated with the "I" continues after the "I" ends; and that it reassociates itself with another "I" at a later time.

I think the short sentences give this an eerie, dream-like feel, but I think they need to be redone; perhaps turned to incomplete sentences.

Alcuin

Norm -
Thanks for your considered suggestions. I'm going to look at it again.

U668857 -
I really like the immediacy of that alliterative opening. There's a dispassionate clarity in the imagery, and I like the concision. "could empty us into forever" is a wonderful liquid metaphor in keeping with the water theme. The only issue (for want of a better word) is the closing - I couldn't help looking for something more(maybe that's not such a bad thing)....BRgds., Alan.

Norm -
The ending bothers me a little, too. I think a revision of it is called for.