Emeya - This is compelling: real and raw, the whole damn thing from title to end. I only have one suggestion and that is to take out this line:
"wooden rage pulsates against my door"
I felt this line was a little dramatic for the rest of the write, slightly broke away from the overall tone and I really don't think it's needed. Otherwise, so many great lines. I look for poetry like this, poetry that jolts and bites.
Well done,
Emeya
Norm - I agree with Emeya. That line is already there, in a sense, but seething under the surface, rather than openly articulated, which makes it more effective.
Leanne - Now, before you demur (like a lemur), this is why certain elements of the poetry world who know what they're talking about call you a leader. You shout what others are afraid to whisper. While in the real world you might just want to curl up and eat icecream with your fingers, in this world (which might still be the real one, the research continues) you have an Amazonian presence with a mighty big sword and a massive fuck-you for the insignificant worm-with-penis who will, one day, be caught doing rude things to his mother.
Callooh - Leanne:
I use a spoon... (but I do eat straight from the container)
and did I mention I love you??
muchly and in the real world
Anstey - I don't. It depends on whether she's being a raging tyrant or a beautiful flower. If she's a tyrant, id on't cross her.
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