Play-Doh - Shakespeare's Monkeys

Play-Doh

Little chuckler and babbler,
little shaker and rattler,
reacher-out and grabber -

here in cloistered time,
your childish clock demands
an active hour's distraction.

You mould the play-doh,
ply with probing fingers
that knead the playful clay:

your colours invent the light;
your laughter shapes the air
with plasticine and putty.

And when it's game over
we must put the play-doh back
or else it sets in drying air:

I'll keep your substance safe,
here inside my box of ribs,
pliable, bonded with imprints.

ShannonV -

Cute.. The last stanza is nice, I like the protective affection it shows for the child.. its quite warm and squishy (MUCH LIKE PLAYDOH). Though the first two stanzas... I think you could probably nix them. Or edit them..I don't have specific suggestions as to what. But the eel metaphor didnt quite work for me. Maybe just the wording "an eel at changing time".. sounds kind of awkward.

----- i refuse to open the door

ShannonV -

Also, what are you trying to convey with "that blunts the black-headed gull". It could just be me, but I don't see the image here.

----- i refuse to open the door

Aphasic -

I'm not a mother, not particularly fond of babies, and have no experience with Play-Doh - even so, I like the descriptive phrasing & pairings in the first section, and I was particularly struck, like Shan, by the closing stanza...the idea that a child's 'substance' 'lives' in the heart of the mother, the toy-box/box of ribs analogy, and the contrast/relationship between pliancy and bonding (the heart and the brain). The reference to imprints is what most intrigued me - that the process of imprinting does not only occur in neonates, but is also triggered in adults as a result of parenthood.

I've just seen Shan's comment about the 'black-headed gull' - I'm not sure about that either, though gulls, like gannets, are notorious for their orientation to all things food-related, plus, their raucus demeanour - and it seems the latin name is translated as 'laughing gull' - probably not pertinent, but worth a mention just to maintain my reputation for irrelevance :>

U668857 -

Many thanks for apreciative and constructive reviews.

I've done some pruning as a result - hope it has improved

the piece...BRgds.,Alan.

Colleen -

I wish i cold see the first version again...

ShannonV -

I like the progression...much smoother now.. the first stanza is all rhymey and child-like, and the last stanza has that sweetly well-expressed adult nurturing perspective, as I mentioned before. I like the game over thing, and how it ties to the last stanza (I think 'tis good that you didnt mess with it- it's quite nice how it is). Also I like the laughter shaping the air and the colours inventing the light. It's like she is molding not just the clay but the writer and her surroundings as well.

Only suggestion I have now is.. maybe change the word "playful" before clay? I feel like the playfulness is an attribute of the child, not the clay itself. Maybe I'm being oddly specific. I think you do need an adjective there though... I'm not sure what else would work though.

(Also I was going to correct you and say that it is spelled "mold" instead of "mould" but I looked it up and apparently that's the british spelling. I had no idea, weird)

So yes, I think it is definitely improved now; you made good revisions.