Leanne - Ah, nothing like "golden shafts of phallusy"... yeah, clearly that's my fantasy and not yours. Though to be honest, I could do without the golden part, that's just icky.
"Melodrama manages" is mucking up for me. Technically you've got the meter spot on (through the whole thing, which is an achievement) but all those m sounds are drawing that part out a little too long to my reading. Alliteration is awesome but I think in this case you might need to think about ditching manages. You've got loads more mmms anyway.
You've stuck loads of clever little ironies in and that always makes me happy. I can't believe you don't have enough moral fibre -- what substitute do you use to give you the shits?
I am afraid your dwarf has been lost down the cushions of the couch, because this is actually one of the more gigantic works I've seen for quite some time. (a) you've pulled off a Sapphic (don't even think about the contradictions there) and (b) you've made sarcasm and puns into something rather poignant. Now, if you can't handle compliments I'll stop there -- no I won't. It's really, really, really, really a little bit good.
Aphasic - Cliché alert - yeh, that's screaming at me now. I guess it was the Monty Python thing preying on my maleable mind (Your Majesty is like a stream of bat's piss - one of Oscar's...Ah, yes, what I meant was, Your Majesty shines out like a shaft of gold, while all around is dark).
'manages' does sound incongruous - the idea was rooted in the theatrical appliance of melodrama (hey - one of the good/bad guys), but that obviously doesn't work - so, some editing to do...
Compliments - fuck, yes, I need them, even though they make me cringe and squirm...thank you possum x
Leanne - Come on Shawy, let's have a bit of wit then...
I've seen Sapphics fucked up beyond any hope of resuscitation but honestly, this doesn't just "barely cut it", it's a really good poem and a hell of a good matching of form to subject -- you could have cliched that fairly easily but you've dodged it with rare subtlety (not rare for you, obviously, subtlety being your forte -- now sitting back while you try to figure out if I'm being ironic or not)
Oldagyz - Well if you want compliments, I wanted to show this to a friend of mine cause I think she'd enjoy reading it (and im a miserable robotic asshat with no sense of love or reality, which may or may not depreciate the affect of above compliment xD)
Derma Kaput - Much as I love the sapphic stanzas, and the interesting appearance of sister sappho herself doing a near cameo, I really do get kind of lost in this. There's a whole lot of personification going on, perhaps a bit too much. Every stanza but one begins with a personified concept follow by a present tense verb - it starts feeling formulaic in a hurry. I don't know. I must be a really picky bastard. Personally, I'd love to see "phallusy" spelled out in this, and more overtly playful stuff actively working to deconstruct everything else. But let me repeat: I don't know. I need to contemplate the title and read this some more. I have a feeling I'm missing stuff but my brain is too insubstantial today to even begin picking up on nuances. This could be brilliant and I'd completely miss it. Meaning I woke up this morning and discovered I was dumb as a brick. How do these things happen? I should stop wasting your time. I'll be back, but not until I can think clearly.
ShannonV - You are the motherfucking queen of alliteration and I bow to you. I honestly thought this was pretty consistently rad... so prepare yourself for an unhelpful comment!
The first two stanzas are golden (perhaps even goldener now that you took out the golden IRONICALLY ENOUGH). Cliched thrusts.. heheh. Hearsay/heresy is quite clever. The only thing that didn't seem to fit in to me was the fourth stanza. It's quite good amd everything, it just seems like a different poem to me. I can't tell you why, I'm not sure. Though the last two lines of it I do like. Maybe It's just the nursery rhyme regression thing... because I disagree. What's so regressed (??isthisaword) about nursery rhymes? I may just not be understanding that line due to my sheer unbridled insomnia-inspired lameness.
Oh and neeeat Sappho allusion. I totally love me some Sappo (obv).
----- i refuse to open the door
Aphasic - Ah - you got me there Leanne - I really wasn't expecting irony from such an esteemed antipodean ass-licker as yourself...
fubahr huh? Literary geek-speak finally gets layered!
Olda-guise, no depreciation there - neither love nor reality is allowed to interfere with my terminally cynical perspective...
Derma - yes/no, formulaic is a description that could be aptly applied, you fastidious piece of shit - how dare you cast apsersions on my literary prowess, and other expressions of delusional outrage...in my defence, it is my first Sapphic - I'm attempting to write at least one of each of the classic/conventional forms in an attempt to familiarise myself with metrical stuff. I've read a few examples of Sapphic verse recently (Isaac Watts comes to mind, unfortunately) and I've found it [euphemism alert!] extremely challenging to find examples that read the way I imagined 'lyric poetry' would, with some degree of rhythm and cadence. I guess I ended up with a kind of 'sing-along' structure that I thought might effect a contrast with the subdued undertones of the material - but I guess that's a non-starter. Anyway, let me know when your brain re-engages - I need some notice so I can run for cover...
Shan - no, nursery rhymes are not per se regressive - it's more about the way they're used strategically in the context, by the dipshit that wrote this stuff...but yes, it does read like it's part of a different poem - that first line is the only instance where 'I' am explicitly 'present' and involved, and is meant to represent, amongst other things, a 'wake-up' call, and at the same time, the opposite - if that makes any sense. No? Ok - I guess 'sheer unbridled insomnia-inspired lameness' is a time-share excuse you'll just have to let me occupy for a while - I'll pay in reciprocated compliments :>
Derma Kaput - Actually, I'm now convinced that my brain is not going to re-engage. I had to look up 'fastidious'. So, no worries there. Just run for cover when I either mis-interpret, mis-speak, mis-understand, or just plain miss. Personally, I love sapphics, or any form really, because they enable our own voice to take on new dimensions. In otherwords, I think they're most effective when they take on a natural voice (regardless of the formality of the in-built restrictions) but also force the natural voice to wander into new territory. They help free us from ourselves. Does that make any sense? Probably not. I need to go crawl back into my hole with a bottle of booze.
Aphasic - Yeh - it's a balance between indulgence (pleasing yourself) and discipline (playing by 'the rules'). I'm finding the discipline part demanding, but also fascinating - having to manipulate ideas so that the form will accommodate and assimilate them without the finished article screaming 'contrivance' it's almost another language (and a kind of masochistic emancipation).
I've been guilty of that in the past, dismissing form poetry as 'unnatural' to the eye/ear, but since attempting to write this stuff myself, I've developed a healthy respect for both practice and practioners, and both eyes and ears (that is, both eyes and both ears - man, I'm so symmetrical, it's unnatural) have become more receptive and appreciative.
But then the starting point for perception is the recognition of regular patterns and shapes, so I guess meter and rhyme shouldn't be regarded as alien - it's just that exceptions to rules are more distinctive and therefore more 'memorable', which is where occasional divergence from the rules of a particular form can be so effective. In the same way, I think 'free' verse, written without any consideration for meter and other prosodic devices, can be so unmemorable - that kind of freedom of expression defeats itself - all exception is no exception, and with nothing 'familiar' to hook into, reading it can be an alienating experience.
Derma, you bastard - you've lulled me into a false sense of impunity. Can I really talk shit and get away with it? Whatever - you don't actually mis- [sic] anything - you see what I don't, and that's the value of comment/criticism.
I think you need something stronger than booze, if only to make your hole more hospitable - I hope you're not indulging in self-flagellation down there...
Derma Kaput - Smoking a joint, most likely, while writing reams of shit for other purposes that, frankly, I'm getting mighty sick of writing - hence I come to your poem and ramble when I should be working. But self-flagelation? bastard that I am, I save that for truly special ocassions. As for poetry, its making my eyes cross lately, which always indicates a need for booze in my book. Poison the brain until it sees clearly again, no?
Oldagyz - Some things need meter like some people need gagging, this has never been more apparant to me than at this (music) Open Mic Night I attended tonight, wherein mediocre songs were horribly butchered by slightly clumsy lyrics, and great songs only being ok same reason. (And I seriously hate myself for thinking these things when Im listening btw xD) and sadly sometimes there isnt an idiosyncratic argument to BS yourself out with *goes back to playing with a piece of string* ooh.. pruddy ^-^
Aphasic - Derma
That sounds dispiritingly like a work-place scenario - I can see how that would call for a spliff-personality approach...
Oldagyz
Lyrics - yeh, I get excessively exercised when good music is contaminated by dysfunctional lyrics - maybe the membership should work on a collaborative album as a form of catharsis, and to wipe out the spectre of musical mediocrity...
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