Missing the point - Shakespeare's Monkeys

missing the point

with grocery bags weighted
by canned lima beans and
chocolate ice cream, i pause

to admire how clear
the sky is tonight, the moon
full with obligation
to the nocturnals
and turning tides.

i can't recall a night so clear
or stars more obediant.

i call you out to see,
going on about perfection
and joy in a rare moment.

you gently remind me of
the melting ice cream,
urging me into the house
while rattling off the names
of half a dozen constellations.

Anstey -
I really like that first stanza, it sets a really nice tone for the whole thing. And the last stanza is pretty darned good too. I might come back to quibble later on specific words and such.

Rene' -

This is truly awesome! I so enjoyed the poem that I have read it four times so far!! Great job and love the title...

----- I am orbiting, I don't know where, but I am orbiting something!

I am orbiting, I don't know where, but I am orbiting something!

Norm -
oh, what a lovely, poignant poem.

Mosquitobyte -

The banality of the first stanza really sets this piece up well. When you think about it, what could be more banal than a chunk of rock that's been circling the earth for millions of years.

And yet, we would not be here were it not for the tidal forces of the moon. Further to this, I am yet to meet a person who doesn't occaisionally look up to the night sky and just....wonder.....

The pulling back to reality of the final stanza is excellent, containing as it does, another touch of the banal and also hinting at mankinds need to label everything, seeing designs in the random scattering of our furnace mothers.

Certainly a fine read.

Mos.

Emeya -

I can quite easily echo the other two have commented about on this poem, though I think it is more on the verge of being truly excellent and complete. It is a rare moment in when the ordinary becomes extraordinary.

A very small nit-picky suggestion I have is perhaps "full of obligation/to the nocturnals" would work better. I also wonder if there's a way you can bring the third and fourth stanza together more, maybe something like...

i call you out to see,

unable to remember a night so clear

or stars more obedient,

going on about perfection

and joy in a rare moment

Also... "you gently remind me/the ice cream is melting," --which is another nitpick.

Even if you don't do anything more to it, it's a great little write. Also, love the reflection of the title.

-Emeya