Monet's Garden - Shakespeare's Monkeys

Monet's Garden

My longing words lie careless near your shoulder,
soon drawing down upon your strength my head.
Oh how my eyes swoon dreamlike through a warm blur
in cotton lavender's still virgin bed.
I wake to scones and tea stirred with a pardon
of honey sweetened by the longing taste
you planted deep -- and now within my garden,
impatience is the ivy, chasing chaste.
Soon dusk will ply my garden with its glory
in poetry and prose -- now dare I chance
to listen for your voice reign in my story,
and sprinkle newborn seed in mere a glance.
For only after day is night appearing
in sight of Monet's garden, swirls our clearing.

Leanne -
Kat, what are you doing to me with all those inversions and archaisms? "drawing down upon your strength my head", "sprinkle newborn seed in mere a glance", "swirls our clearing" -- and as for "listen for your voice reign in my story", well that's just not good grammar at all. The shoulder/ warm blur rhyme -- while conjuring up good visuals -- is just awkward. You have some excellent lines here, L4-L8 in particular -- I really love "tea stirred with a pardon". The feminine endings throughout are lovely and soft (that's not really tweaking iambs, technically speaking, because of course everyone knows you just ignore the feminine

). The swirls and blurs are very Monet and if anything I'd like to see more of those ideas. There are really good seeds here but I'd be rather hypocritical if I said it was perfect.

Kat -
dear leanne, of course you wouldn't say it's perfect, for alas, 'tis not......oops, there goes that language again

......that said, I was intentionally writing for a less contemporary "sound" in order to better capture Monet's art......but I'm always open to suggestions for any of the lines......particularly the second, which I've tweaked repeatedly, and know it should be tweaked again......though I suspect we may disagree on some of the others!......thanks for the comments, and I'll let you know when I've had a chance to edit......Kat

Emeya -

When it comes to syllables and meter, I find that some poems that would be quite beautiful and well-rendered become excessive. I think it's sometimes a matter of choosing the form or the poem. They can't always go together. Some are meant for each other, some are not. So some suggestions: <remove> {add}

My longing <words> lie{s} careless {on} your shoulder,
<soon> drawing down <upon> your strength {undone from} my head.
Oh how my eyes swoon dreamlike <through a warm blur> {as I wonder} -- I think something different could be used here.
{at} cotton lavender's still virgin bed.

I wake to scones and tea stirred with <a> pardon
of honey sweetened by the longing taste
you planted deep -- <and> now within my garden,
impatience is the ivy, chasing chaste.

<Soon> dusk will ply my garden with its glory
in poetry and prose -- now dare I chance
to listen for your voice reign in my story,
and sprinkle newborn seed {with it's} glance.

For only {when} day is night appearing
{does} sight of Monet's {art} swirl<s> our clearing.

...Just some thoughts to help with the editing process. I'm not sure how great my suggestions are overall, but I hope they're worth something.

~Emeya

Kat -
Thank you for the suggestions......I'll definitely be reviewing them when I have a bit more time......though I may not have been clear with the little tag about intentionally tweaking the iambic pentameter.......I inserted 11 sybs in every other line, starting with line 1, intentionally.......up until the last couplet......just for a little variety.....actually, my inspiration to try that was leanne......she once said you must first know the rules before you can break them, and since the English sonnet is about the only form I can remember without researching it, I tried to break the rules.......though leanne didn't like my archaic word choice and style on this one [!]......and I thought she loved will