Greed - Shakespeare's Monkeys

Greed

I watch you search through the contents
Of your mothers jewelry box
Keeping the best for your daughters
And offering the junk to mine
As if her Nana loved her less

I see the hurt in her eyes
And the grief on her face
But you only see diamonds and gold
Wrapped around your fat finger
And I hope it cuts off your circulation

1- Alcuin of York on Feb. 18 2008

Goodness - something besides children's poems. That's great, though the occasion that sparked it is unfortunate.

This is good, but I think the last line is a bit strong. It reminds me a bit of Louise Gluck's labor day, with a short nastiness of "You pimp", but there it is effective because it is totally unexpected. I suggest something a bit more indirect, like "perhaps it will cut off..."etc., or something similar. The only other suggestion is S1L2, the "and" is unnecessary if you comma the previous line. I think the rhythm would sound out better. Also, in L3, it should be, "but you see only..." - both correct grammar and better rhythm too.

Again, this is good writing, and I hope to see more writing from that passionate place in you.

Alcuin

2- Alcuin of York on Feb. 18 2008

Goodness - something besides children's poems. That's great, though the occasion that sparked it is unfortunate.

Again, this is good writing, and I hope to see more writing from that passionate place in you.

Alcuin

3- Jen on Feb. 19 2008

My mother-in-law is alive but ill and I guess I am foreshadowing this situation. I usually don't write about personal stuff for fear that it will come back to bite me in the butt. I certainly hope this situation does not happen but I've watched it happen to this family in the past.

4- Anstey on Feb. 19 2008

Make it memers only and we'll keep it all between us.

love,

stephan