Greed

Goodness - something besides children's poems. That's great, though the occasion that sparked it is unfortunate.

This is good, but I think the last line is a bit strong. It reminds me a bit of Louise Gluck's labor day, with a short nastiness of "You pimp", but there it is effective because it is totally unexpected. I suggest something a bit more indirect, like "perhaps it will cut off..."etc., or something similar. The only other suggestion is S1L2, the "and" is unnecessary if you comma the previous line. I think the rhythm would sound out better. Also, in L3, it should be, "but you see only..." - both correct grammar and better rhythm too.

Again, this is good writing, and I hope to see more writing from that passionate place in you.

Alcuin