Leanne - The first two stanzas give me a very clear picture but I'm afraid I was lost on what bodies you're talking about when the wind blows east -- I'm sure if I were in Lowell I'd understand.
I'm not sure why you change tenses during the second stanza. This gives the impression that you're talking about a specific event which split the pavement -- if you're not, then I have to say it's not working for me (and if you are, I don't know what it is). The image of the Merrimack is strong, only I'm left thinking that if teeth are covered by lips you don't really see the teeth anyway -- what about lips being drawn back, in rictus perhaps? I'm not sure where the ship is placed, is it actually in the water? If so, then you have teeth framed by the river.
I'm sorry, I really want to get a clearer picture because it's so promising and I've got no real reference.
Welcome back, Mike, are you sticking around?
Anstey - The teeth are covered by the lips, but they're still there, when the drunk moron jumps off the bridge. One of the problems in a river is that when you can't see the rocks then they're the most dangerous.
Anstey - I actually like the title Mike. I realize though, particularly as Leanne has focussed this, that few if any outside the city would realize how specifically that describes the place. Now, I'm not sure of this, but it seems to be a reference to those kids that jumped off the bridge there last year, maybe the title might more clearly frame that aspect and that might clarify a lot of the later part of the poem. It's probably pretty hard for me to judge since I live about 1/2 mile from that spot and drove by the stupid tributes there, and then shook my head as they put up the ridiculous fence and then shook it even more when the next kid jumped. So it's all very clear image to me, and thus very moving.
Michael Mission Harris - Leeanne, what made you think there was a ship?
and to clarify on the lips and teeth, it says
"like teeth without lips
to cover them"
The lips AREN'T there to cover the teeth.
And yeah, I'm here, I've just been doing a piss-poor amount of writing, and almost all of it's been on Synapse.
Steve, you're right about the reference to the jumpers but they're not the subject of the poem.
The pavement line is almost irrelevant, I need to edit that, and the first stanza is a different setting than the second, which is about 30 feet above where the third stanza's setting is.
Leanne - Sorry... the only Merrimack I know about is the frigate, and since I've no clue, it sounded like maybe the ship was in the river, as a feature or something. Obviously not
Michael Mission Harris - ahhhhh no the Merrimack River is the big ole river that runs through Lowell and the Merrimack Valley of New Hampshire and Massachusetts. It's kind of a big deal around here (see: A Week on the Concord and Merrimack River by Henry David Thoreau, Kerouac talks about it in Doctor Sax and I think Maggie Cassidy, too). The University Ave bridge specifically is notorious for the number of suicides and fatal accidents that occur there.
Steve, I agree, the fence is ridiculous, and it's an eyesore.
Once you start seperating people from their rivers...
Emeya - May I?
The pavement split -took out "was"
the weeded old gravel
from bridge to -took out "strip," I think the path is already implied.
Beneath airplane calls -took out "the."
I feel like there needs to better transition from the first two lines of your second stanza with the rest. There is also an issue with tenses for me. Are we going past or present or a mix of the two (a mix being harder to accomplish.) I would suggest keep with past. Maybe something like:
we hung on open-air rafters -
and the bed of the Merrimack
broke the surface
Really enjoy the phrase "like teeth without lips/to cover them."
This last stanza, I think, could use a little re-working. I hope that this doesn't sound like I'm trying to pick apart your poem. I think it has the potential but just isn't quite there yet. Good subject as well, using a subject to portray a subject. Oh poetry, my love.
~Emeya
p.s. I think the title is great.
Anstey - In Maggie Cassaday he talks about the Moody St. Bridge..which is the the same bridge. When they created the JFK center and re-trafficed the center of lowell in the 60s they closed access to Moody street there, and then, on the other end they closed access too. Thus creating a double dead-ended street and creating a bizarre jog by that bridge which creates a daily nightmare of traffic. Before they did all that Moody Street went all the way to the Dracut line and then it was Textile Ave. from there. Now it's University Ave from the bridge to Dracut.
Michael Mission Harris - Steve,
weird..I was JUST talking about that today, and looking at it on satellite on google. Such a crazy crazy situation...
Jasmine Mann - I really like this; title and all. The only thing I can suggest is some different line breaks here and there, but it's really only a nit-pick for me. Good work.
----- "Milk is for babies. When you grow up, you have to drink beer." - Arnold
"Milk is for babies. When you grow up, you have to drink beer." - Arnold
Aphasic - "like teeth without lips
to cover them"
I've just had a lengthy internal devate debate about this, so maybe someone can help me here...
My first thought about these two lines was "like teeth without lips" - period.
"to cover them", to my ears/eyes/imagination, detracted from the image, reduced the dramatic impact, trailed it off after the image had already been established.
Next thought - yes, but teeth don't 'have' lips (two anatomically separate entities), so the qualification is necessary.
Finally - yes/no, but...does poetry require such specificity? We are looking at a facial metaphor here, and surely everyone, whether consciously or un/subconsciously, recognises the association between teeth and lips in that context(?). So, is that a valid conclusion? Or am I just descending into anal retentive territory here?
Oh yeh, sorry...hi Michael Good subject matter, with a distinct undertow of cynicism...I'd be interested to know what the 'Mammoth' in the title refers to [Anstey having cleared up the 'Moody' reference - thank you sweaty :]
[not a suggestion, but the closest icon to "I've just had a lengthy internal debate about the meaning of 'devate', and have come to no conclusion - End of Edit]
Anstey - http://maps.google.com/maps?f=...saddr=42.651889,-71.324143&daddr=&mra=mi&mrsp=0&sz=15&sll=42.651826,-71.324358&sspn=0.018686,0.031028&ie=UTF8&z=15
You'll notice that moody street ends and university ave continues north(ish) -- University Ave used to be Moody street until they re-constructed the other end of Moody in the center .. and blocked it off at both ends.
Mike's poem centers around that bridge. You'll notice just up stream (to the left) is "Mammoth Road" which goes up to bridge actually where it becomes "School Street"
Aphasic - Well, as the geography/topology, rather than the poetry issues in my comment seem to be of paramount importance, I have to admit, I'm more interested in the nature of that anonymous mid-river island than the details of highway planning policy. Perhaps it comprises an integral element of the 'suicide' scenario alluded to in your poem, but really, for someone who doesn't live in the vicinity, I have to admit I'm more interested in what's on the page you've written :>
Anstey - I almost marked the directions from there to my house. (which is on that page to the north and west) BUT, i didnt' figure anyone wanted to see that.
Aphasic - Ha! I'm in the UK Anstey...and your house would just be an arrow/dot/smudge on an alien streetmap - how interesting would that be? (for me). I guess I could switch to satellite...at least that would leave an impression. If I ever grow out of this agoraphobic state, there might be some point to the giving of directions :>
Aphasic - Gardner/Gersham Ave, Avon/White St? North/West side of the river? Not that I've been looking...
Jasmine Mann - Had to go to Mammoth Rd. for an orthodontist appointment today. I never realized it went all the way to Mass. Then again, I haven't lived here a while, either.
"Milk is for babies. When you grow up, you have to drink beer." - Arnold
Michael Mission Harris - Yeah man, that's mile zero for mammoth. Its a fairly long road, and an interesting drive all the way.
Left this poem on Jack's grave on Wednesday. Hopefully he'll give me some luck with it. Good to see him again, and a happy birthday.
Laurie - Now that I have been there... I totally see this! I drove from Manchester to Lowell down Mammoth Road...what a beautiful drive in October.
Go look in my Journal for a picture of the teeth without lips
http://www.shakespearesmonkeys...poetry-festival
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