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Shakespeare's Monkeys

Infinite Monkeys. Infinite Typewriters.

May 16, 2025  

More in Sigmund Freud's Sewing Machine

a gentle loneliness

we sat on the floor
going through catalogs
of expensive birthday cakes
and studded tiaras for sweet sixteens.
you were rolling a joint, balancing
a thick book on your knees and we were laughing
about this one cake with a french maid carved into the top,
her bosom a heave of icing, like a sweet-toothed fantasy.
nothing about you was rehearsed and i liked that.
everyone else had gone to bed, we laughed so loud
someone banged something heavy on the floor above to quiet us.
the kid who brought the garbage bag full of baguettes
left two loafs on the table, we broke into them
stale and consumed by holes torn with drunken hands--
wine-soaked and slippery.
you lit up the little spliff and passed it to me,
we could hear the lovers in the next room over
and it was a sad sort of comfort that made you scoot next to me,
resting your head on mine in a lonely tilt
and said nothing for a long time.
you covered us with the quilt and laid me down with you.
you put me to sleep, running your fingers the length of my neck
to the top of my shoulders
and in the morning, when i woke with your body
so fiercely wound around my own--
for the first time in a while--
i found nothing to regret.
Anstey - on Feb. 17 2008
There's a lot in this to like, Freudy, but I dont' think it's quite there yet. My first thoughts were positive. The end, while I think it needs a bit of paring down, is solid. the idea as a whole is good. I like the way you set the scene, the details are good, and there's a very nice human quality to the whole narrative. However, I think it'd either work better as prose or you need to slice it down significantly, using less adjectives and adverbs and stronger verbs. It seems a bit unfocussed for poetry, while at the same time lacking a bit lyrically.
DragonRyderWhiteWhirl - on Feb. 18 2008

 

nothing about you was rehearsed and i liked that.    `best line

 . . .SUMS IT UP PRETTY WELL, and I like that.  ~DragonRiderWhiteWhirl


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