a gentle loneliness

There's a lot in this to like, Freudy, but I dont' think it's quite there yet. My first thoughts were positive. The end, while I think it needs a bit of paring down, is solid. the idea as a whole is good. I like the way you set the scene, the details are good, and there's a very nice human quality to the whole narrative. However, I think it'd either work better as prose or you need to slice it down significantly, using less adjectives and adverbs and stronger verbs. It seems a bit unfocussed for poetry, while at the same time lacking a bit lyrically.