Aphasic - Jasmine - a few things that struck me on first read - mostly regarding style, as you obviously have a strong idea of what you want to say, and some promising imagery to convey.
My impression is that you could lose a few things, without detracting from the whole. For instance, some 'I's, punctuation and a few other pronouns, conjunctions etc.
For instance, line/stanza breaks can be regarded as more 'natural' forms of pauses and stops.
In S1, "ingrained in" could be reduced to 'grained in', "it is" could be left out - also the semi-colon, comma + "and" (L5) - leaving perhaps "A memory grained/in flesh and granite/silent, immoveable/yet no less stoic/than you or I".
That may not be what you want to say, or how you want to say it - just an example to offer a 'pared down' alternative - paring down is a popular (& healthy) pursuit in this place, I've come to realize 
The repetition of 1st person pronoun (especially in S2 & 3) tends to give this a two-dimensional feel, if that makes sense.
For me, S3 needs the most attention - you've taken 6 (admittedly short) lines to convey a relatively simple idea - in essence "Yes - I'm lost/perhaps forever".
I hope that doesn't sound too harsh Jasmine - I've had similar suggestions made regarding my own stuff, and it's helping me to look at what I write from the perspective of 'the reader'. No doubt you'll receive more detailed and constructive criticism from others better qualified than me Good luck with this - there's plenty of help and encouragement around, so hopefully luck won't come into it...
Jasmine Mann - Thank you very much! I appreciate any and all constructive criticism and yours was definitely so.
I've actually reworked this poem many times. I've tried cutting things, adding things, making it more coherent, but in the end my main consistency is I'm just having trouble perfecting this poem. I completely agree that it needs to be cut down and thank you for pinpointing those things.
I think the problem is that the subject matter is just too personal, too fresh. In the meantime, I'll continue to rework it anyway. Thanks so much for your input!
----- "Milk is for babies. When you grow up, you have to drink beer." - Arnold
"Milk is for babies. When you grow up, you have to drink beer." - Arnold
Aphasic - I understand - "too personal, too fresh" does explain a lot, particularly the proliferation of 'I's and 'you's. Perhaps with some distance/time, you'll find it easier to turn this 'raw' material into something you're happy with. I would try to avoid aiming for perfection - that's just not attainable :>
Anstey - Unless you have a pet monkey. Monkeys make everything attainable..due primarily to their willingness to steal anything.
Jasmine Mann - Monkeys love shiny things.
----- "Milk is for babies. When you grow up, you have to drink beer." - Arnold
"Milk is for babies. When you grow up, you have to drink beer." - Arnold
Big Mac - Hi Jasmine: I knew your Dad when he was a teenager. We were very good friends for several years. Your Aunt Gina's favorite song at the time was: Turn Around, Look At Me (she would play this on her phonograph player over and over; I still enjoy the song to this day)...We knew your Dad as "Gene Boy"...
I knew Gene when he was a "Sea Scout" and later when his hair got as long as mine...
I knew Gene when he helped his Dad buy the wood & material to build for their front lawn a large, rotating Christmas display of three revolving candles with flashing lights (its funny to think about it now...we could not get the darn thing to rotate properly and so we just had these three large candles on a long, oblong wooden stand). His Dad said, "Gene Boy, we could have used that money spent on this damn Christmas display to buy your Mom some Chinaware for Christmas"!). For the next several days it wasn't a good idea for us to hang around the house without getting caught up in this discussion.
Then, we purchased this replica of a small black powder cannon (at the time normally used to signal the start of a boat or stock car race) and during one summer period we were on Gene's driveway firing this cannon in the neighborhood...BOOM...BOOM...BOOM...we either ran out of black powder or the neighbors complained too much!
Our enjoyment during the summer was to jump into your grandmother's large Ford station wagon and head to our favorite water hole (an abandoned mining site) filled with cold, fresh water. We were told by Mike Dye (married Gene's oldest sister Joan) that there was a VW sunk at the bottom of the hole. I attempted several times to dive beyond 45 feet in that icy, cold water but gave up looking for the elusive VW (I think your Dad did find it in one of our many dives together).
During the winter season, we all gathered closer together to watch the Christmas favorites on TV...Rudolph the Red-Nose Reindeer, Frosty the Snowman, and even the Peanut charaters in
Jasmine, your Dad enjoyed the classical rock music of our times...especially those songs by Three Dog Night, Janis Joplin, Jim Morrison & The Doors, and yes...even some of those songs by the king himself- Elvis Presley
- we all did! So, I know that somewhere upstairs Gene is in
Steve
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