replete

Anstey - on Jan. 25 2008

i love the first three lines. The idea of tears as a drop of salt, the echo of ocean in the blue eyes -- with the hints of deep, salt and drops.... i like that.

the next few lines i'm less enamored of. I'm trying to figure out why i don't before i comment on that. but i do love the first three lines.

Anstey - on Jan. 25 2008

my finger traces
a drop of salt
my eyes combine in deeper blue

Ok, the first bit, i really like. We've established that. 

your breath confirms my blood  
I lay in faith
replete in richness

This bit seems completely disconnected from the first three lines. I have trouble with my brain keepign the two halves in relation to eachother.

The image isn't extended. The image doesn't seem to have any correlation to the rest at all. There's a shift from 'me' to 'you' to 'i' ... that doesn't work for me either.

I think that's what's happening for me, the lack of cohesion loses me. It doesn't seem surrealist, nor does it seem long enough to twist back and reconnect.

I think i'd want to see you take the established opening lines and rework the final three to echo them in  some  bold exciting way.  

Pags - on Jan. 28 2008
I tend to agree with Stephen. The first 3 lines stand alone as a haiku which would quickly brush up to a vey good haiku. I wouldn't dare comment on the second half without knowing what it was you wanted to achieve with them.