Rene' - This is quite provocative, sensual, and very alluring! I made some small suggestions, merely for flow more than anything. The excess words seemed unneeded for meaning. I love this read.
candle shadows dance
hesitantly swaying flame
provoked by my breath
we make love in my dreams
full, the tear falls in
swollen trail, hot, malleable
on my fingertip
returned to flame
to weep again
----- fairy dust, I want fairy dust for Christmas please.
I am orbiting, I don't know where, but I am orbiting something!
Leanne - The continuation of heat is well done -- from (presumably) hot breath to hot tears to flame. I am not convinced you need to put "hesitantly" in there, since the moment you picture a flickering candle flame you know it's not steady. It also breaks the rhythm and the assonance of candle-dance-swaying-flame. Otherwise your sounds are all excellent and the images are intense.
Anstey - i'm also not sold on hesitantly, and i do wonder a bit if L3 might be better suited as L1.
the third stanza grips me, i like it.
Callooh - Rene':
excellent suggestions - thanks very much! will see what I can do about the faery dust...
Callooh - Leanne:
I hesitate to say you are correct (oh, who am I kidding?!). not sure I can go completely without, will play with it in my head first --thanks!
Callooh - Anstey:
interesting thought.... hmmm, will ponder. I think hesistantly is on the way out - poor thing, I hope it doesn't take it too hard...
Rene' - I love this! The switching of the 2nd and 3rd lines was fantastic. I understand about the spacing, sometimes they just won't cooperate with you. If you find that fairy dust, I would be so happy:) Great job on this poem.
----- just wandering the maze of hallways in my bent mind!
I am orbiting, I don't know where, but I am orbiting something!
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