Derma Kaput - "He starts to see the / death of the only mirror he / has ever used."
Right at this point is where this poem began to interest me - the concept of mirroring and the bond it forms between people, or how that bond falls apart in its absense. I'm afraid I didn't spend enough time with your poem to entirely get beyond the emotional dissolution you were portraying, but if it were my draft, I'd be excited enough to start the next version focusing a little more on how people grow apart, and why, counterposed with what held them together in the first place. As for the language, the sense of depression seems overdone - a few words go a long way when you want to convey these feelings. I'd back off a little bit on the strong language and instead find a way to make the imagery speak more directly, setting up the emotional impact of concepts like "loathing", "belittling", "tattered" or "skewed". As you move from the abstraction of telling us what the feeling is, and instead pull the feeling out of us by crafting imagery and building the situations into concise lines, the emotional power of your inspiration will build down to the strong closing that you've already found for the poem. I think you have something really good to work with here Rene.
Rene' - Thank you so much! This came to me in the middle of the night after another of one of 'those' phone calls that awoke me from a deep sleep. I didn't write until this morning and this is definitely a rough draft. I am even more excited now since your comment has spurred new ideas for the poem.
----- Ronymae was here
I am orbiting, I don't know where, but I am orbiting something!
Rene' - first revision! More to come I am sure...
----- Ronymae was here
I am orbiting, I don't know where, but I am orbiting something!
Derma Kaput - I like where you're going with this, particularly as you incorporate more of the mirror - and very effectively. One more suggestion: a phrase like "acid of hate" can be shortened to just plain "acid". Standing on its own, the word is corrosive enough to be set in a context that implies hate without stating it overtly. Approaching it like that forces you to be precise, choose multi-faceted words, and focus your imagery. Where your meanings are implied by context, depth ensues. Layering your metaphors within the imagery adds even further depth. Look for words that relate to specific objects, or feelings, within the poem and see if you can apply them in unusual ways, creating tropes that advance the poem creatively and allow its message to ferment from within.
Rene' - Trying this again, some new ideas incorporated now.
----- fairy dust, I want fairy dust for Christmas please.
I am orbiting, I don't know where, but I am orbiting something!
Derma Kaput - I love to watch how a poem develops - particularly when its someone elses. Because when its my own, it's more a matter of mounting frustration with only the dubious hope of a payoff somewhere down the line. So, basically, I like what you've done here. Being you've already tolerated my overblown opinions so well, here's one more suggestion - begin paring down your sentences, looking for a simpler way to state each of them without changing anything. In this way, the writing itself should become sort of invisible, adding an effortless illusion to the poem. Example: "she will no longer wear / the weight of his reflection any longer" can become "she will wear the weight of his reflection no longer". What you shoot for here is just to smooth out the grammar and eliminate redundancies in the language. At the same time, you can find new places to break the lines so meanings unfold beyond the break: "she will wear the weight / of his reflection no longer".
These are just suggestions though, to illustrate what I mean. I focused on that line because I think "she will no longer wear the weight of his reflection" was a wonderful trope. As for anything else I say, you are welcome to tell me to SHUT UP any time! But still, I've really enjoyed watching this poem progress. Nice job Rene.
Rene' - Derma, I have not had to tolerate anything; quite the contrary, I have loved each and every suggestion as it brings more vision to my own mind when I read what someone else thinks/feels. I have done a little more to the poem now and I humbly thank you for all the time you have put into this piece of my heart.
----- fairy dust, I want fairy dust for Christmas please.
I am orbiting, I don't know where, but I am orbiting something!
Leanne - I've sat back and watched this develop, and it's been wonderful -- exactly what I think a workshop ought to be. Seeing a poet really thinking about her work and being brave enough to consider whether the suggestions fit in with her vision, and then take that further and build something so strong -- well, that makes me believe that poetry might actually have some kind of future after all.
I only have some very small ideas, because frankly I think this is practically a finished piece and a very fine one at that. I love the concept, and lines like
"He sees the death
of the only mirror he
has ever used."
This is incredibly empowering for the "mirror", no longer just reflecting what's stuck in front of her but emanating visions of her own choosing.
In the second stanza, would you consider "slips down her skin" or "slips down her side" rather than "being"? The combination of being and eating so close together just doesn't work for me, sound-wise, and I'd like to see you pick up that alliteration since you want a slidey noise, and there's nothing better than an "s". Also, in the third stanza I'm not sure you need to say "deceptive veil" as deception is implied, I think maybe "veil" gives enough information. Also, getting rid of "deceptive" allows the "l" sounds to win through (gingerly, veil, trembles) without any harsh interruptions.
Again, thank you for your spirit and care for your poetry.
Rene' - Thank you so very much Leanne. I love the process of a poem growing and maturing; even more than that, I love the process of seeing what other people see in it. Sometimes that opens new doors for me and at other times it makes me see that I need to change tactics to get my point across. I agreed with your suggestions as well and have incorporated them into my poem now. I also did not like the word 'being' where it was but at the moment, another one escaped me. I also changed slips to slides as I like that better. Thank you for your time and your wonderful suggetions.
----- fairy dust, I want fairy dust for Christmas please.
I am orbiting, I don't know where, but I am orbiting something!
Leanne - 
It's fun isn't it? I pity the people who can't take this sort of pleasure out of a workshop.
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