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Shakespeare's Monkeys

Infinite Monkeys. Infinite Typewriters.

More in Release the Hounds

Ode to a last kiss in moonlight

Draft
Oh Beloved, how the moment aches
for twisted kisses round the tips
of our anointed and blessed fingers

She says, "Salvation! Repent! Repent!"
then silver spent she weeps for me
in wiry tangles of a waxing crescent

Oh Beloved, how the summer sings
for faint memories slipped wet long lips
of the trinity: dreams, hope, and love

She says, "Salvation! Repent! Repent!"
the holy moment rent from golden chalice
spit out upon the rough tweed of burgundy carpet

Oh Beloved, how the scepter crashes
against this last unclanged bronze day
the funeral bells of our once holy union

She said, "Salvation! Repent! Repent!"
then... we, both spent, weep for then
in each cold December since that angry sun.
Derma Kaput - on Dec. 5 2007
A draft, eh?  there's quite a bit of rich phrasing in this piece, lots of potential.  I like what you have so far.
Alcuin of York - on Dec. 5 2007

How's about:

Oh Beloved, now ungloved, still unshoved, how the moment aches for what it takes to be like fakes with rakes in lakes;
twisted kisses for the missus never misses, tips the hisses of anointed, undisjointed, very pointed blessed fingers,
undressed humdingers maybe linger...

On second thought, perhaps your version's better.

Seriously, this tells a short story long on overtones. I'm wondering if the last line of S1 might not work better with "of our anointed, bless-ed fingers". In S3, "faint memories slipped wet long lips" is rhythmically awkward, but I think works precisely because it fits the theme of that line. I agree with Jim: For a draft, darned good.

Alcuin


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