Alzheimer's - Shakespeare's Monkeys

Alzheimer's

Pray,
is this cold steel
against warm flesh
enough to save the
very best deep and
weary souls from a
palsy of age? Tell
me. I grow old. Oh
more old than bone
more brittle, more
broken. Dear heart
, open. Bleed. Die
enough that I fade
away. A cool blade
and the tender sap
of blood. This can
be hope. Age? Alas
there is none save
forgetfullness and
tea.

Pags -

"I grow old. Oh
more old than bone
more brittle, more
broken."

I would love the rest of the poem to be up to this standard for the words cry out. The ending frets me, but I cannot usefully say why except that it feels weak, even allowing that it should be in this instance. Forgetfulness and tea - sounds good but yet... I feel you need to get to it by a slightly different route to point up a contrast.

Sorry - my comments and thoughts are fragmented. But this poem has the ssed of something too good to not leave any comment.

Alcuin of York -
So I begin by wondering why lines of 18-characters, rather than line breaks related to the text. Is it to manifest the rigidity of an aged mindset? Certainly, it fixes our attention. I agree with Pags on the potential quality of the poem, and also that the ending is a bit weak, but the 18-character line structure is actually quite restrictive. I hate to be the fly in the ointment, but it's "forgetfulness", so your line length needs fixing anyway. Perhaps a comma after that word?

be hope. Age? None
, except forgetful
-ness and tea.

Sorry I can't make more constructive suggestions.

Alcuin

Anstey -

Ahh, thanks for hte kick save there, I'll rejigger and repost.

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stephan

Tracey -

I don't think Alzhemer's thinking is this clear and linear. I do like the form.

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~~~t~~~