Alcuin of York - Two things that struck me right off: 1) At the beginning you have "words torturing... visions THAT DANCE...pain burning" It feels more natural to have "visions dancing" as parallel language to the other participles. The "emotions trapped" would remain as is because the verb is used reflexively, unlike the other three phrases.
2) I think the "from inside me" is redundant, and would be universally understood. I don't feel the extra words are needed for the rhythm either.
I like the way you jump into reading. A lot of poets write about why they write, and some about why they read. It's nice the way you show both sides of the process in one piece.
Alcuin
Rene - Thank you for catching that 'ing' thing! That makes total sense to me. We are going to work this poem in workshop class tomorrow and I will be anxious to see if anyone else catches that. As for writing about both writng and reading, it just didn't seem right to leave one of them out! I learn as much (if not more) from reading as I do practicing my writing.
Many thanks Sir Alcuin!
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Rene'
I am orbiting, I don't know where, but I am orbiting something!
Jen - I like pieces about writing.....Here are a few ideas to consider:)
I write to create images of silent words
that torture my heart as visions dance
in my brain. An intense pain burns holes in
my mind of raw emotions trapped within, with
no escape. I write to release feelings
from inside; joy and pain, letting them
crawl from my pen, to you, so that I may heal.
I read to absorb your pain and emotions,
learning how to heal my own
Rene - Thank you Jen, I love your ideas! After workshop tomorrow, I will revise and then repost. The poem had to be ten lines for class but I love what you did with it.
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Rene'
I am orbiting, I don't know where, but I am orbiting something!
Laurie - Hi Rene! How are those knees doing? I look forward to reading the revision on this, I like to see how a poem evolves.
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