The Inferno - Shakespeare's Monkeys

The Inferno

I think this speaks for itself

I've lived a personal inferno
Tainted by indescretion
Spawned by
lack of personal connection

I sacrificed pride to survive
Both personal, and financial
To save what was left
Times 5

Yet as I watched with dismay
interpersonal decimation
Of trust with our three
I contemplated why did we?

We soured our dreams
Destroyed our sanity
Burned a dark path to misery

Yet we are still a family
Fighting to make some sense
Of this life long crusade
To make a difference

Define a legacy
That surpasses insanity
leave some semblance of self respect
For what we tried to project

Armageddon is raging
To make right what was not
Despite senseless mistakes
Branded behind angry smirks

Our life is like a slow moving river
Veering ever so slightly together
Creating a path
That we can only see looking back

Yet Hope still lives
We can overcome
The past we have made
To taste at last, the right way

1- Tracey on Oct. 9 2007

In the context of dysfunctions on all sides of my family, I understand this and embrace a theme I don't often see in contemporary writing (admittedly, I read so much less than I used to that this theme might be everywhere and I may be in the proverbial dark).

I think I'd like more show than tell here. Or...that I'd like more lyrical language. Or...something. I feel like this is a draft - a later vs. an early draft - on its way to become something more.

2- Alcuin of York on Oct. 12 2007

I find the irregualar rhymes a bit off-putting, not because they are irregular, but because (curiously) you have stretched a bit for some of them, For instance, in S7, instead of something simpler like "to right past wrongs", you went out of your way to put in something that rhymed with "forgot". I think if you dispensed with rhyme for a bit and trim some of the bland words (the a's, the's, that's, what's, etc.) that might be inessential, and then go back and add new rhymes in, the whole effect might seem smoother.

The story you tell here is quite sweeping, and is the best aspect of the poem. You cover a lot of ground in terms of both time and emotional issues. Like Tracey, I think it can be told better, and I think she would also agree it's one most people want to hear.

Alcuin

3- Kzealy on Oct. 20 2007

Tracey: made some changes please reread.
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No one Can make you feel inferior without your consent.

No one Can make you feel inferior without your consent.

4- Kzealy on Oct. 20 2007

Alcuin of York:See if this is better
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No one Can make you feel inferior without your consent.

No one Can make you feel inferior without your consent.