The Inferno - Shakespeare's Monkeys

The Inferno

I find the irregualar rhymes a bit off-putting, not because they are irregular, but because (curiously) you have stretched a bit for some of them, For instance, in S7, instead of something simpler like "to right past wrongs", you went out of your way to put in something that rhymed with "forgot". I think if you dispensed with rhyme for a bit and trim some of the bland words (the a's, the's, that's, what's, etc.) that might be inessential, and then go back and add new rhymes in, the whole effect might seem smoother.

The story you tell here is quite sweeping, and is the best aspect of the poem. You cover a lot of ground in terms of both time and emotional issues. Like Tracey, I think it can be told better, and I think she would also agree it's one most people want to hear.

Alcuin

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» Kzealy on Oct. 20 2007 - Alcuin of York:See if this is better-----No one Can make ...