Suburban Sonnet - Shakespeare's Monkeys

Suburban Sonnet

A flustered exit - hallway cleared of pram,
and out they spill to church. It's late September;
the notional day of rest; at the Leisure Centre
that afternoon, I watch their measured swim
and baby-sit the hour of viewing them.
I feed her formula; read the sunday paper;
relieved to leave, I gulp for fresher air
in crowded parks where children run and scream.

The miniature railway, number seven gauge,
enthuses old and young: retired gents
indulge in levers, cogs; their engines thrill
to yapping kids and whistle round the bends;
but as they hug the rails that track the hedge,
I feel the straining torque resist what's centrifugal.

Anstey -
L3 do you mean 'national'
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stephan

U668857 -

Nope - I mean notional - as in the notion that sunday is a day of rest - which of course it ain't !

Rgds., Alan

Anstey -
Ahh. ok let me reread it that way.
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stephan

Alcuin of York -

It looks like you began a sonnet, then decided to forgo rhyme - I assume to give you freedom of expression. I do that often. In fact, I usually don't know what form a poem will take until I've completed the first stanza.

You iambic breaks down in a few places, but I have no solutions that wouldn't damage the meaning. That meaning is deep and valid, and hence I have no suggestions for improvement. You're obviously a very careful editor, and I give you mucho kudos for that (in 2 languages too!). You tell a story here, but also a fact of our human condition in these times. The contrast of young and elderly makes this poem very effective, and including the "I" in it makes it especially effective, contrary to some supposed "exspurts'" opinions.

Alcuin

U668857 -
Many thanks for the perusal. Regarding the rhyme, I deliberately aim for slant or near-rhymes (eschewing the traditional full rhyme for a more modern sound). It may be a stretch here and there but it approximates to the Petrarchan scheme of abbaabbacdedce. Apologies to all the purists out there! Rgds.,Alan.

Alcuin of York -

Nothing wrong with making your own forms, whether they derive from something already common, or purely invented on one's own. I do it all the time (see my "Dreams"). People often ask me what the form is, and I have to tell them it's something that "just happened". Usually, the form for me develops on its own in the first stanza, and then I remain consistent with it throughout the rest of the piece.

Alcuin

Anstey -
I actually read this several times, and it is exceptional. I really enjoyed it. I would have argued the use of the word 'sonnet' to describe it, but revelation of the slant/soft rhymes clarified that emmensly fo rme. I wish I had been smart enough to notice it without being told.
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stephan

U668857 -
Many thanks, Stephan. Yeah, that sonnet variation technique using half-rhymes is something I've seen quite a few modern published poets do. And you're right - it's not always obvious that they act like rhymes, but interestingly in the process of composition the approach is identical to using the standard full-rhyme: the same tension exists to find a match that sustains the traditional rhyme scheme; and of course forces immense concentration to ensure sense and meaning are not compromised (hopefully reinforcing the truth and veracity at the heart of the thing because you're all the more intent on preserving it!). Enough of my verbiage....much obliged for the appreciative response. BRgds.,Alan.