Bitter Sweet - Shakespeare's Monkeys

Bitter Sweet

When I'm black and sloe-berry bitter
my sleeping dog awakes from growling dreams
to scratching rats in piles of lies that litter.

When hollow fallen commerce rots and teems
with maggots drilling waspish apple core,
fermenting putrid juice from bursting seams;

miasmas of twisting blind bureaucracy bore;
when systems network out the little fish
to feed the fattest cats with more and more;

when all that's real is unreal, I could wish
for no redemption less: her smiling face
of wordless love, and innocence to cherish.

Alcuin of York -

I've seen the form, but I've forgotten it's name. Forms are difficult to follow, more so when they're fairly complex. It's even more difficult to smoothly deliver a message through a complex form. The message of "my finances suck, but love salves all" is a bit cliche, but that doesn't make it false.

As for the form, is it supposed to be iambic pentameter? If so, it stumbles in lines 1,7,8. If not, then fault my ignorance. The rhymes are spot-on. Your alliteration is inventive, as are many of the lines.

However, overall this did not work for me emotionally on either half of the message. The "bitter" seems almost obsessive; and the "sweet" is unconvincing - I think primarily because of the word "redemption". It feels formal to me. Still, I give you points for taking on the challenge of this form. I have trouble with premade forms like this and even sonnets, and so I appreciate the challenge you've taken on.

Alcuin

U668857 -
I got the form from Louis MacNiece...not sure if it's his own invention or some standard? I can see behind your response...it's possibly unbalanced in terms of bitter over sweet. But both emotions are genuine even if I've failed to convince...maybe the bitter has a tad more to do with just "my finances" (that's certainly part of it)...what about the short-comings of Capitalistic socio-economic systems and the intrinsic unfairness of life in general? I appreciate your objective rigour...Rgds.,Alan.

Leanne -

Just for the record, the form is terza rima (triple rhyme) -- although to be perfectly correct your close would be a rhymed couplet, regardless of the number of preceding stanzas.

There are some rather disgusting images here -- all to the good. It's actually the first line that doesn't work for me metrically -- also the last creates a small issue with the feminine ending, rather diluting the rhyme. I'm not at all concerned about content though, if you're going to say it you might as well say it forcefully.

U668857 -
Many thanks, Leanne. I've heard of terza rima but couldn't have defined it before now; I quite like the rhyme-connection across the 3-line stanzas....yes, that first line is definitely not iambic pentameter...to be honest I was aiming for 5-stress lines...they tend to go iambic on me anyway but not always....yeah, i think there are occaions to overstate rather than understate...especially if venting steam ! BRgds.,Alan.