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Shakespeare's Monkeys

Infinite Monkeys. Infinite Typewriters.

More in Words, paradoxes, metaphors...you name it they all come alive in poetry or prose.

The Circle of Love

One I wrote for class

I stood

in blackened melancholy

beneath starless sky

as the mighty oak

struggled to control

his leafy limbs

under the onslaught

of an angered

wind.

 

Tomorrow,

I will pick up

the errant twigs

that could not withstand

the battle.

My tears will water

fallen acorns, so that they

may grow

into strong, mighty

oaks

to withstand their own

storms.

 

Comments

Alcuin of York - on Sep. 8 2007
Naturally, I assume the oak is a metaphor, but of what? I assume that in S1 it's merely symbolic (more below) of inner strength, but in S2 they seem to be children. There is definitely an inconsistency here, which creates confusion.
"As the mighty oak" adds to that confusion because "as" can mean an adverbial equivalence to "like" or "at the same time". Did you stand like a mighty oak stands; or did you stand while the mighty oak struggled? YOU know what you mean; we do not.
"Beneath a starless" has better rhythm than the current form.
The wind was "angered"? At what? Or did you mean "angry"?
In S2L7, the "that" can be deleted. And in L9, "into" should be "to". "Into", like "as", has 2 meanings, which creates more confusion.
Metaphors are good in poetry, but increase the need for both clarity and consistency. This is actually one of your better pieces. It mostly needs some improvement in conveying your intentions.

Alcuin.


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