More in The Circle of Love
The Circle of Love
Naturally, I assume the oak is a metaphor, but of what? I assume that in S1 it's merely symbolic (more below) of inner strength, but in S2 they seem to be children. There is definitely an inconsistency here, which creates confusion.
"As the mighty oak" adds to that confusion because "as" can mean an adverbial equivalence to "like" or "at the same time". Did you stand like a mighty oak stands; or did you stand while the mighty oak struggled? YOU know what you mean; we do not.
"Beneath a starless" has better rhythm than the current form.
The wind was "angered"? At what? Or did you mean "angry"?
In S2L7, the "that" can be deleted. And in L9, "into" should be "to". "Into", like "as", has 2 meanings, which creates more confusion.
Metaphors are good in poetry, but increase the need for both clarity and consistency. This is actually one of your better pieces. It mostly needs some improvement in conveying your intentions.
"As the mighty oak" adds to that confusion because "as" can mean an adverbial equivalence to "like" or "at the same time". Did you stand like a mighty oak stands; or did you stand while the mighty oak struggled? YOU know what you mean; we do not.
"Beneath a starless" has better rhythm than the current form.
The wind was "angered"? At what? Or did you mean "angry"?
In S2L7, the "that" can be deleted. And in L9, "into" should be "to". "Into", like "as", has 2 meanings, which creates more confusion.
Metaphors are good in poetry, but increase the need for both clarity and consistency. This is actually one of your better pieces. It mostly needs some improvement in conveying your intentions.
Alcuin.
by Alcuin of York on Sep. 8 2007