Again - Shakespeare's Monkeys

Again

I will refuse you,
no matter the wages
of growing old
and lonely.

Our shivering fingers
stretch hell's reach,
breaking apart
a thousand nights
of silence.

No, no, you cannot
lift my silken hair
to uncover alabaster
weakness.

Softly taunting,
my lower back will now
curve away from you.

(Blind faith is rightly dead.)

Again I tell you -
let the robe fall to my feet.
Go now....
the inky night calls.
I will not remember you
in its naked stare.

Anstey -
I think stanzas would accentuate this somewhat. The language is good throughout, though I do wonder about the parenthetical -- it seems not only an aside, but an unrelated aside.
-----

stephan

Kat -
You're right about the stanzas (which I used when writing this offline) but I can't figure out how to change the line spacing to single space, so left it double spaced, no stanzas.......the parans were to create a sense of thinking to oneself as the poet speaks or thinks of speaking to the 'other'.......I like the way some latin and persian poets have used the technique, though it might flow better with different spacing.......thanks Stephan for your comments.....Kat

Anstey -

to fix line breaks, the best way is to use 'line breaks' rather than hitting return. What that means is "Shift Return" that gives you the 'tight' lines. rather than the paragraphs.

I haven't tested, but I think cutting and pasting into FCKEditor might also help you a lot. I haven't tried that though. You can switch between editors using the little drop down at the bottom of the text entry form.

ok, i just tested, if you switch to FCKEditor and paste in that way, you will find that it holds the line breaks the way you had them.

Alcuin of York -
Does "break lonely afternoons"' mean they become less lonely? I think the placement of the word "lonely" works at cross purposes to the intended effect. I also think "hell" (which should be "Hell") is a bit over the top. The feeling your write conveys is one of loneliness, but even more, of sterility - a relationship that's lost it's connection and, of course, it's warmth. Hell seems a bit too much.

I have less problem with the parenthetical asides. I might suggest for the second a less formal phrasing, such as ‘Blind faith is finally dead'. In anycase, I like this overall. It has some fine images - the curving back, alabaster weakness, and the last 4 lines. Overall, it has a fairly haunting quality.

Alcuin

Kat -
ahhh, but when one is in the middle of such a relationship, the word 'hell' does not even begin [in an emotional sense] to describe the circumstance......though I used lower case intentionally because with all the real 'Hell' that exists on this earth, it just didn't seem right to give the word more prominence......anyway, I like your suggestion about the 'blind faith' line, and will tweak it a bit......and though I want to keep 'lonely' - any suggestions for a different word is welcome......thank you......Kat

Kat -

Thanks Stephan, the line breaks work!......and now that I've gone back to edit, incorporating the first paran. into the poem itself does allow the words to flow bettererer......Kat

Tracey -

I like the angle of this, the description of that moment of walking truly away from a relationship and into one's own strength. I like the clarity of the first stanza, which highlights the main weaknesses of people who stay together who shouldn't.

The second stanza reads like sparks and love gone wrong, and of the singular hell that such a situation creates. Those silences are hell. I do wonder if "stretch" should be "stretched," as it reads to me like a description of what has passed.

Not sure about the last stanza, with the robe falling after all the unequivocal "No's."

Mellanie Carney -

i like it. smart and pretty.

Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then.