Alcuin of York - Tidal currents? Water lillies grow in ponds, perhaps some lakes - not in tidal waters. OK, am I being too literal? I realize you intended this to be a never-ending sentence - that it's not something inadvertent - but I'm wondering why. What is the intended effect? Perhaps you thought of it as a constant flow of water, or perhaps as more graceful than division into sentences. I'm trying to understand your intentions before I comment. Was this supposed to be surrealism? I'd like to know your intentions in writing it as one long sentence of successive images.
Alcuin
Kat - thanks for the questions, I agree that it helps to understand the poet's intention in order to clarify what the words may mean......though perhaps the reader's first reaction is that which is valid for the reader......here I was trying to write in an impressionistic way......so if you view the words from different 'angles' or depths, the meaning might change......hopefully like a painting with different elements, you might ponder, "what consititutes the meaning of a poem?".......and yes, you make a very valid point about the 'tidal current' as I was undecided about using that image with the water lilies.....but in a clumsy way I was trying to show that what is happening below the surface may be more complex than what is seen at the surface.......whilst trying to maintain the water theme......so any suggestions are welcome......Kat
Alcuin of York - OK, so you were perhaps inspired by Monet's Water Lilies series? I think if you're attempting impressionism you might consider that making your poem one long run-on sentence creates a problem. And if you want the reader to "view the words from different 'angles' or depths, [and have] the meaning might change", you definitely need to break this up. The linear sentence keeps this FROM impressionism. I'm not going to suggest specific rewriting, but I'd like to demonstrate the writing technique by using your images:
Lavendar water lilies,
silent, still,
wait wait
fragile petals
droop
melancholy words
morning dove
lonely
silver mist
lingering kiss
(etc.)
Again, I'm not suggesting this particular rewriting, only the style. Some writers would put in less punctuation, and some use more. You can add back in some of the words I omitted, or add in new ones. I'm just suggesting the technique. Fewer verbs, more things, and adjectives, etc. And if you want to get into what is happening below the surface, go below the surface. If not, that's OK too. This is far from hopeless. It's a good theme.
Alcuin Kat - dude, we are so looking at this poem from different parts of our brain!.......that said, I absolutely appreciate any and all observations/suggestions/comments anyone cares to make about my writing......and I see what you are getting at......punctuation can greatly change [but also sometimes restrict] the meaning of a poem, so oftentimes I take the risk of using no punctuation to intentionally leave more ambiguity within the words......and the one long run-on thought/sentence was meant to allow freedom of interpretation.......though I'm not making a claim for how successful [or not!] I believe it is in this poem, I would like to be able to improve upon and use this technique, as I've read many other poems that use it well.....I have made some changes [got rid of tidal current] and will continue to do so, but will still resist using punctuation in this instance.......[sorry leanne!].......and THANK YOU for your insight......Kat
Shan - First of all, I like the poem, it leaves me with a feeling of peace but missing that kiss.
Second, I kind of agree with Alciun, It either needs to be broken into stanzas or punctuated (minimally of course). I think the effect would be even greater.
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Life is what happens while you wait for great things.
Life is what happens while you wait for great things.
Kat - hmmm, well let me give it a try offline and see what happens......it's certainly worth looking into......thanks for the input.....Kat
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