Minneapolis, Aug 1, 2007

Draft

I fat & short
then soft
then tall ...

each bridge aloft
then not
then fall

The angels stomping
         out the life
        of another man's
        half-loved wife

I brown & long
then tongued
then tied

each tale dyed
then said
then sung

The angels laughing
         out the deaths
         then swimming in
        the river lethe

I hand & tears
then womb
then well

each bridge a tomb
then not
then hell

The angels creeping
       west to east
       trust me, then you
       then them the least

then me
then you

retreat
retreat.

Alcuin of York -

Right now it sounds like baby-talk - not really suiting the theme. Perhaps punctuations would help: "I - fat and short" or "I, fat and short" or perhaps putting the I by itself on a line. Similarly, the angels of S6 and Lethe, usually (mistakenly) associated with Hell don't fit; neither does the laughing. Perhaps ‘ghosts' or ‘spirits' would serve better. I think you've got something worth working with here. It's a shame we're not able to crank them out quickly to be most timely, like some professionals do, but even their quickies are sometimes inferior. I think you should take your time with this. The minimalist approach requires more work than conversational style writing.

Alcuin

Anstey -

Thanks. I am not sure what to think of it yet. I could easily just change the title and I suppose it'd be.. less offensive.

I'm not so sure i agree on professionals -- I don't think there are many people, professional or not -- who can spew out polished, powerful, interesting verse particularly quickly.

I wrote this that day actually, and I just, felt uncomfortable looking at it, never mind posting it. It was just sitting in my little read notebook waiting to get typed up.

I will definitely get back to it. I appreciate the thoughts, very very helpful and encouraging.

-----

stephan

Tracey -
In the first few stanzas I was going along for the ride and then I at some point I wasn't. Maybe at brown and long? I think the jumbled-ness of it mirrors a collapsed bridge well, but somehow the message gets lost.