The Shoes - Shakespeare's Monkeys

The Shoes

As always, the words from my fingertips have some important meaning in my life...these are no different.

I walked in the shoes you bought

for my daughter.

She didn’t want them, you know -

didn’t like them,

never wore them -

they felt like you.

She was the jealous one.

Not I.

I walked in them to squash my pain,

trying to mash it out through

my sole.

It didn’t work though,

they felt like you -

alien, unknown to me,

so different.

I still walk in them

almost every day.

They are still alien and uncomfortable

to my soul.

They hurt my back and legs.

Making my feet feel like

they have to hang on

for dear life.

I will walk in them

until I am back with my

Twin Flame.

Then

I will start a fire

to burn these shoes -

letting it consume

the pain that lived

in the shoes you bought.

Comments

Alcuin of York -
I'm delighted that the words have "some important meaning in [your] life". That's fairly unimportant to me as a reader. I want to understand what you're writing about. Too often, remarks like your description are preludes to opaque writing, where we aren't in on the important issues - feeling left out, and even more important, just not understanding what you're saying. However, in this case you've conveyed the meaning quite well.

I'm sure you said exactly what you meant, but this is a poetry site, so let me see if I can help you say it better. S1L1: I think eliminating the ‘that' would make it tighter writing. L3: Comma after ‘them' and dash (no comma) at the end would emphasize the next 2 lines, make them stronger. I also think if you replaced the comma on L5 with a dash, the ‘cause' could be deleted. Also, replacing the L7 comma with a period would make the "Not I" that follows pack more punch.

This is actually the strongest stanza, and can be made even stronger. If you similarly pare down the other stanzas, this write, which is now a bit better than average, could be improved a lot. You choose your words well, but there are a lot of filler words in there too. I do see some interesting line breaks.

Alcuin

Rene -

Bowing low and thanking you deeply for such an in depth critique on this piece. I was on the verge of leaving the site after being away from it for about a month as I was extremely discouraged by a lack of response from anyone else on here.

I spent weeks pouring over others work and trying to give responsible and caring critiques only to have none done in return. You have revived my hope on here. For that I thank you immensely.

I do love the changes you suggested and will go and look at implementing them right now. You are also correct in the statement that the personal meaning of the piece to me means nothing to the reader as far as the meaning of the poem....it's just that the little blank box asking for some kind of insight into the poem was begging to be filled (lol).

Again, many thanks....Rene'

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Rene'

I am orbiting, I don't know where, but I am orbiting something!

Alcuin of York -

Kudos to you, gal! And I second the motion! The lack of response here is a bit odd. I usually try to comment on at least one poem per day, and to look at the work of others who commented on mine. My first poem (on this site), "Colors", submitted months ago, still has received no comments. I certainly haven't discouraged commenting - as far as I'm concerned, tear it apart! Rip 'er up! Tell me which parts are good, and which crap!

One of the problems is when someone takes a dump - laying in a dozen or more poems at a time. One's own gets lost in the haystack. On the other hand, other sites have more people, but most are really poor writers, and the comments are inane, and so are the majority of the writes. You might consider joining or forming a small poetry group or writing group near you. I'm a regular at 2 reading groups, and just put together one whose specific purpose is critiquing poetry. We have better-than-average writers, and it seems to be working well. Each group meets once per month. Reading groups usually don't critique, but all 3 groups are very rewarding.

One other point - most writers do not respond to their commenters. This is unfortunate because it's important if a dialogue to occur.

Alcuin

Oldagyz -
This is a very nice site, albeit hard to find your way around :p Im surprised its this inactive, but I suppose its the off-season and the site (afaik) isnt the oldest in the world :p

and sadly, I dont know any poets to drag along and play :P

Rene -
I have been with this site since its inception to the cyberworld. I was with it when it lived under two other names and somehow....the changes have changed the people.
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Rene'

I am orbiting, I don't know where, but I am orbiting something!

Alcuin of York -

Curious, Rene: In what way have they changed. Also, I'd like to know about the previous 2 incarnations. What were they like, and why were they changed?

Alcuin the Curious

Rene -
Send me a message at rnprl2003@yahoo.com
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Rene'

I am orbiting, I don't know where, but I am orbiting something!

Jen -

I like poems that have to do with shoes and this is creative and well done.

I don't have any suggestions, I like it as is:)

Rene -
Thank you so much Jen! I do believe that I am satisfied with it as well since I made the minor changes to it. Have a wonderful day!!
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Rene'

I am orbiting, I don't know where, but I am orbiting something!