He wants an Army

I fell for his words

poor spelling and forgotten punctuation

soft brown skin and crooked teeth

indifferent political views

I curled into the warmth

of his terrible mathematics

the green flickers in his eyes

the fact he never wears shoes

and has never read a book

school was a chore

and we couldn't be more different

if we tried with every fibre

every tendon

every breath

he wants to build his own house

or live in a van

I can't have children and he wants an army

we fight everyday

and make love twice

too lost in each other to remember why

our dreams are made of bright colours

strobe lighting and lust

coated in whisky

and dropped into white water

he draws on my skin

with eye-liner pencils

and permanent marker

words that are senseless

and pictures of nothing

I wash them away every morning

words than run along my body

and vanish into sewers

I fell for his words

child-like handwriting

soft kisses and promises

I fell

Comments

1- Alcuin of York on Jul. 26 2007

This is simple and direct in style, but the individual images & metaphors are interesting. At the end, we have a clear idea of the relationship and of the other person.

A few things I suggest: In S4, I would eliminate "that". It's unnecessary and dilutes the impact. I think the "every breath" of S5 should definitely be on a separate line. In S11, "words that make no sense" needs tightening. I suggest just "senseless words". In S12L1, it should be "them", not "it".

I liked best the "strobe lighting and lust" line. It's inventive, unique, completes the metaphor well, and alliterates nicely. Mostly, this poem could benefit from some minor tightening of language.

Alcuin

2- Kat on Jul. 27 2007

I echo Alcuin's comments.....and would also add I believe this is outstanding writing.....wish I would have written.....wish I could have written it......"I curled into the warmth of his terrible mathematics"....."I can't have children and he wants an army/ we fight everyday/ and make love twice"......and the whole friggin "coated in whiskey" stanza......this is a great poem to read on the way out the door to vacation.....inspiration to write.....Kat

3- Derma Kaput on Jul. 27 2007

okay - I'll echo both previous comments and save myself some time. still, this is really good starla, but I think Alcuin made some points worth looking at.

4- Anstey on Aug. 3 2007

I am always saying that about your work Stef... "I wish I wrote that."
-----

stephan

5- Leanne on Aug. 3 2007

Tell me more about the whisky.

I've nothing to add except come back to us more often, because we love you and need you and will cover you in whipped cream with two cherry nipples if you want.