Away - Shakespeare's Monkeys

away

I'm trying some Hansel and Gretel poems. This is the first.

away

each step wandered
wayward deep in shadow land
of tree and fern
and nettled forest floor
that hid foot steps.

so he broke bread
in measured plan
to path them back
to home and bed.

but birds dropped
through spruce and fir
like small, dark stones
and cobbled up
the way they came.

Alcuin of York -

I have only one issue: Did you mean to put "cobbled" rather than "gobbled". The first means to throw together.

Otherwise, it's a nice variation with a hint of satire.

Alcuin

Norm -
Yes, I meant 'cobbled.' It's close enough in sound to suggest gobbled, but manages to also suggest the cobbling of a road (their path) with stones, thus rendering it rough and unfamiliar; the clumsy gathering together of their way home until it is no longer; the medieval idea of stones (birds) being used to drive someone away- and a few other things. Gobbled would have been gobbled, and that would have been that. Besides, using gobbled in close proximity to the image of birds would have been too Thanksgiving-ish for comfort.

Alcuin of York -

I suspected you were trying to get extra mileage out of one word. Maybe you've found a solution to the energy problem.

Nah, if the politicians said more in fewer words, we'd have less hot air to run the government with. On the other hand, it might reduce global warming.

Alcuin

Tracey -

I've read this a few times and finally know what's bothering me - the last stanza, though not because of the word "cobbled."

"birds dropped" doesn't work for me for two reasons -- one, they don't "drop," and two, it makes me think "bird droppings." I also just can't for my life see birds as "small, dark stones." But that may be a defect on my part. Finally, "the way they came:" I know it refers to H&G, but for a long second I was thinking "they" were the birds, know what I mean?

As for the first two stanzas, you've got me. I like the "story telling" tone of it, especially in s2. Looking forward to seeing more!

Norm -
Thank you, Tracey. Those are wonderful observations. I'm already thinking about possible revisions.