Morning Song

startle
 
he slips in
with dawn

warm against my back
I melt into him.
 
blanket, pillow
bodies converge
 
time counted
by sunbeams
 
eternity,
our morning song.

I think I'd cut it down a bit like that.  Several bits of information you could easily convey via the tone and verb choices etc. For example, 'quietly' is completely unnecessary due to the fact you used the word 'slips' -- startle seems to be a far more appropriate title, and as a title it isn't then required in teh body of the work. I'm sure you could work the shivers back in, but I"m not sure they're ncessary. The love-making I think you don't need the 'one' bit -- it's cliche, but it's also redundant after the melting.

Regardless how this might seem like I am shredding this, i'm not at all. It's fine. I enjoyed it. I am merely offering you some other ideas on directions you could go with it. Hopefullly helpful and constructive rather than annoying and devestating.   

• stephan

That wasn't too much.  I asked for feedback, right? I will definitely take those suggestions into account, when I re-work this one soon. 

You're wrong in one place, though--it's not about love making, in actuality.  Just my husband cuddling up next to me when he comes home after working all night