Just Right - Shakespeare's Monkeys

Just Right

(completely a draft ...just an idea I had to get out all day. )

Some mornings,

The song is just right

As I drive over the bridge with the steel above

Filtering down the sunlight

Flashing with each thump of partition below

To the beat of the music

So going home,

Wide eyed yet exhausted

I take the bridge with no steel above

Only smooth below,

So I am not disappointed when the sun doesn't shine

Or the music doesn't beat

Just right.

Alcuin of York -

Great idea. Just a few thoughts, which I will try to leave unspecific because this is just a first draft, and I want you to stay loose with it awhile until it gels.

You might consider taking combining the ideas of filtering / flashing in a single word in L4. Perhaps also somewhere using a word like "keeping time" or "thumping in time". I just feel that L4 & 5 need a lot of tightening.

The "So" of S2L1 is a non-sequitar. It doesn't follow as a logical consequence of anything. Perhaps you want to add lines or even a stanza between that explains the change of mood or choice - or is this L2? If so, maybe "But going..."?

Again, a really nice idea here. I'll be waiting for the rewrite.

Alcuin

Mic -
I agree with Fred; really good stuff here; I think the line breaks are fine, I really like it! Looking forward to when you are happy with it!

Tracey -
I like the idea of this and I totally get it (you know how the GSP is). I think that the language could be "snappier" or sharper in some way, reflecting that crisp, perfect timing of beat and bump.