Just Right

Great idea. Just a few thoughts, which I will try to leave unspecific because this is just a first draft, and I want you to stay loose with it awhile until it gels.

You might consider taking combining the ideas of filtering / flashing in a single word in L4. Perhaps also somewhere using a word like "keeping time" or "thumping in time". I just feel that L4 & 5 need a lot of tightening.

The "So" of S2L1 is a non-sequitar. It doesn't follow as a logical consequence of anything. Perhaps you want to add lines or even a stanza between that explains the change of mood or choice - or is this L2? If so, maybe "But going..."?

Again, a really nice idea here. I'll be waiting for the rewrite.

Alcuin