The house Waits - Shakespeare's Monkeys

The house Waits

We went into my wife's Aunt's House after she died. It was if she had never left.

Her House is empty of presence
But full of expectations
It waits for its chair to crease
A glimpse of Curio's that adorn
Papers left too act
Coffee left to brew
It wails in silence at her absence

The house waits
Static and white noise silent
Sepia specter images weep the loss
Yet seraph presence smiles, consoling
Material placebos are there for the living

Odors still embellish the aura
Of togetherness and laughter
Of sadness and pain
Of reuniting
Of human warmth

We are intruders
Who disturb the stasis
Wade through the silence
Traipsing slowly through memories
Encapsulated in a sense of unease

Anticipation is its mantra
It hopes for the door to open
It prays for the smiling footsteps
That will not return
The house waits

1- Aesthetic Psychosis on June 29 2007

All right.

The first thing that leaps out at me is that the reader can be jumbled up in the vocabulary of the piece. Personally, I understood it, but even I had to raise an eyebrow at some of the phrases. I think that if you went back through and substituted some of the words that have simpler alternatives, your message would come along in a much clearer fashion.

Austin

2- Anstey on June 29 2007

I'm not sure I agree with Austin specifically, though in principle that's ALWAYS good advice. In this case I don't see the language that might be too much. Maybe the word seraph is a tad uncommon, I might agree there -- it seems like that's the one stanza where the lexically challenged might suffer most. I am a sucker for pieces about family and nostalgia, so this does hold great appeal.

I am not sure of 'of presence' in the first line, though i see the problem of simply removing it as it is the counter to the expectations.

"static and unchanging" is redundant. in S3 L1

I am not sure the repetition of 'aura' is necessary.

The mood of this piece is excellent, and there's definitely that scent of old people about it.

stephan

3- Kzealy on June 29 2007

Stephan, I agree the repition of aura is not helpful, and I will look how I can change the redundancy. The other language, I don't think is outrageous. My intent was not to use stale language choices, yet still make the image clear. Thanks for your comments as well Austin. I have been stuck in somewhat of a work related rut lately.
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No one Can make you feel inferior without your consent.

No one Can make you feel inferior without your consent.

4- Anstey on June 29 2007

Wow, I want a rut that's that productive.

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stephan