 Derma Kaputfrom Possum Grape, Arkansas Associate, 2156 posts |
I like the hip-hop cadence of this, and the sudden break from the rhyming pattern at the end. on "do watch his eyes," I'd consider changing "do watch" to "observe", only to better maintain the rhythm. but maybe you have all the hard stresses in there to accentuate the phrase and make it stand out? |
 Stephan Ansteyfrom Lowell, MA Associate, 6232 posts |
Ok, so you're the lost member of Salt'n'Peppa? You're Paprika? -----
|
 Rice Janelle 35 posts |
I like the hipness of this too! I can imagine something like this actually getting to a teenage girl. Love play on words on your title.. I hear "yoni"-fabulous! |
More in The Treasure Chest
Youniverse
Girl,
it’s always fun to be the one
outdone by none facing the sun
but shadows have your back.
If he wants to taste your honey,
Honey, be sure you watch his smack.
He may spring a little bling
when you swing your party thing
but if love’s the prize, prioritize
before you spread your satin thighs,
do watch his eyes , and be quite smart
displaying your seductive art because he
can not see your heart
while staring at your tits.
- Julie herself
on June 18 2007
from Here and There
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