Survivor - Shakespeare's Monkeys

Survivor

An Acrostic (moving to personal library)

Surf down the wind, jump through the sky

Until rushing air breathes me back to life

Rubbers burned, smoke the adrenaline high

Venturous sign it’s time to dare or to die

Icarus be damned, I am not such a fool

Vainly flaunting this right to be cool

Obscene fires fuel these wholesale schemes

Rebelling, I reclaim the revolution of dreams.

Tracey -
This evokes passion and triumph, the hallmarks of a survivor. Well done!

Callooh -

I like this one, and here's a thought - what do you think about doing it NOT as an acrostic? You say some powerful things here, and I feel the form contrains you rather than compliements the message

(although burned rubbers gives me a couple of mental images... )

with more line breaks and a little word tweaking I think you could really distil this one into a very powerful piece that truly reflects your meaning. just as an example

surf down the wind **great line

(in a plunge?) through the sky

until rushing air breaths me

(into?) to life

burn rubber, and smoke

that adrenaline high

.... etc

just some thoughts (likely because I'm no good at acrostics!!). do what you like with them!

Limeymcfrog -
I don't think your poem jives with the idea of a survivor, more like a daredevil as I read it. You run right over some cliched phrases as well, (burned rubber, adrenaline high, to dare or to die) and you switch them up a bit, but not enough to give them an original enough meaning. I still end up skipping the phrases when I read it. Also your "sky/life" rhyme doesn't work and the line isn't good enough to justify the non-rhyme.

On the plus side I do like several of the images here, the best being "Surf down the wind" and "revolution of dreams" and I like the invocation of Icarus. I think lines 2,4,6, and 7 need the most work. Not wholsale changes, but just a tightening and focusing of your imagery. Right now I don't have a clear picture of exactly what you are writing about.

Just one guys opinion.

White_Feather -

Thanks for your thoughts. Just to add clarity, it's an acrostic only because that was the 'assignment' on Leanne's forms, but it might be fun to take it out of form and work with this some more.

Limey . . . I may not have been able to flesh out the point as well as I'd have liked with the limitation of lines (I was conscious the point was probably wasn't made well enough when I finished it), but it's survivor because it's a message not about being a daredevil . . . but trying to feel alive in a commercial culture that stunts the soul, just as it tries to own the extreme sport culture. I kind of liked the hint of duality of "rubbers burned" (a little NASCAR, a little free-sex), but maybe it doesn't work that well when the meaning demands a cross-cultural use of words and a very liberal dose of symbol association.

Thanks for the thoughtful comments!