Amends - Shakespeare's Monkeys

amends

Dear poetry

I will break again
outside locked doors
inside the rain

I am not enough
to stand
to touch the shattered drop

I cannot awake
Morpheus bound me
in his embrace

I break
shards of glass bled
colourless by rain

I am not enough
to eat my pain
chew brittle glass
kiss her anger

I do not get away

I will die again
be reborn in blackness
of my darkest cave

I may awake
alone, in Gaia’s womb
entombed, unknown

I will not flay my
flesh in words
fall through myself
to make amends
again

Leanne -

"I will not flay my
flesh in words
fall through myself
to make amends
again"

Bollocks. I bet you do.

Did I mention I like the changes you've made on this one? Tres magnifique!

(needs a pretty title though)

Alcuin of York -
How you suffer! But the poetry is as sharp as the shards of glass described. Leanne's right. The angst of the poem is not matched by the pun of the title. May I suggest "Untempered".
The one area that is only OK - that detracts from the writing is "I do break". Given the tightness of the writing, the beat-marking "do" sticks out like me at a nudist convention. Hoever, I'm not sure of a better substitute.
Alcuin

Anstey -

Fred -- you and I can go to the bar, fully clothed, down the street from the nudist colony, have a few beers and then go down there with our binoculars... just to research how nudists write poetry of course.

-----

stephan

Callooh -

will you always be so picky about my titles? ye gods.... (look they have smiles here!).

Title, hmmmm, will kick meself in ta 'ead and see if I can come up with a new one.

merci beaucoup pour critique excellente!

ps of course I do - over and bloody over.

Callooh -

Alcuin of York:

oh, my first post and already mentions of nudity! I wonder is this your normal metaphor for lines or words that stick out, or are mine especially obvious?

I do appreciate the suggestions, will putter about and change title (I crumble under pressure) and rethink that line.

thanks much!

Leanne -

I now have a picture of you flaying naked Fred and Stephan and it's ... oh, TOO MUCH!

But we do need more whipping around here. There is a dearth of leather.

Callooh -

Anstey:

well with a pencil or pen of course, but where they store their paper is slightly mysterious.

am now poking out my mind's eye with the visuals I've just conjured.

vacationed beside a nudist colony once, took me FOREVER to realize everyone at the resort next door didn't have on a flesh and slightly furry bathing suits.... (I'm daft as wood most days)