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Shakespeare's Monkeys

Infinite Monkeys. Infinite Typewriters.

More in Release the Hounds

retribution

draft #1
whispering winds tell me a story,
a really nasty horrible story,
about that brown haired little bitch
who bit the pink eraser
off my #2 pencil and kicked me
on the left shin back in sixth grade

for twenty years i've hoped
(and hoped and hoped) that she
is suffering somewhere for her
transgression against me, please
tell me it's true. tell me how she
flew from the swing at its apex
landed wrong and screamed as
her lithe little ankle snapped.

tell me it's right. tell me how she
went to bite a piece of asparagus
and missed -- catching her tongue
and nibbling off the tip.

tell me it's good. tell me how she
would try to get into college but
failed due to her incorrigible nature
and ended up with a lifetime of Wendy's
on her fat cellute riddled ass.

Whispering wind, you suck
i just saw her. she's perfect.
Pags - on May 23 2007

I like the idea of this poem, the heaping on of retribution but I feel you begin to run out of steam by the end. I feel it falls apart in the last 4 lines really. Your imag becomes too general, unfocussed that the final two lines are a let down...

I want something like

"tell me it's good. tell me how she
would try to get into college but
failed due to her incorrigible nature
and ended up working in MacDonald's

Whispering wind, you mustn't tell me
that she made good
and that person right there
with the soft top car
and the wiggling hips
is she"

Obviously in your words rather than mine!


Anstey - on May 23 2007
Thanks Pags. I'll definitely be going back and hacking. Some useful thoughts there. I appreciate it so much!

-----
  • stephan

Derma Kaput - on May 23 2007

The only thing I don't care for in this is "you suck".  change those two words into something slightly more intelligent and I would love it unabashedly.  the final line, I thought, was perfect.


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