Anstey - First of all, welcome! And, before the hoardes descend upon you with painful poetry breakdown and thoughts - I want you to know, we're thrilled that you're here! 
That said -- I have several problems with this piece, none of which are unfixable. (a key thing to always keep in your mind is -- it's your work, if you're comfortable with it, ignore every comment you get, perhaps the comments might help you get published, or write better, but that doesn't mean you have to follow the advice or take any of it to heart!)
- I think Leanne or Fred are better ones to speak to this, but the meter seems sporadic, which, in turn makes it hard to read. Adding a regular meter to this particular style of rhymed verse, I think would improve it dramatically.
- There's a bit of a fascist/sledgehammery approach here that isn't working for me. At times rather than illustrate your point, you editorialize and narrate a bit too much. I think a reworking without the first person might alleviate that problem.
You have many wonderful images and the general theme/idea of this is perfectly manageable. (liquid mane jumps out at me as does the verb wallows and the word 'bizarre' in S1)
Hope that's helpful.
-----
- stephan
Nyx - Thank you very much, Stephen. I will play with it and see what comes about. I suppose, the narrative is because it is thoughts and warnings how very much some females are sea like in their temperments. (Not all..lol... why... certainly not myself!! lol 
....) any and all comments are appreciated and i know will be made only to help! Which is exactly what is needed.
Anstey - Your enthusiasn is fantastic!
With such a great attitude -- it's impossible that you won't succeed at anything you try!-----
- stephan
Leanne - Ditto to Stephan's comments, almost all of them anyway... I don't think this is tremendously fascist but he has more facial hair than I do.
I only have time for a very quick metric fix so here goes, and I'll come back and talk to you later if you want.
Although I'm miles away, I know;
She's temperamental and bizarre,
I close my eyes and see her, wild,
In much the way some females are.
On stormy days, beware her wrath,
She tosses back her liquid mane,
And wallows in her murky berth;
Then laughs with cold and vain disdain.
She has no thoughts of irritants
That cross her face in such a way
She deals with those she wants to see
And goes about her daily sway
She waves with such majestic awe,
So variable is her essence,
Her havoc often accidental,
Be wise; approach in her quiescence.
OK, it's not perfect but perhaps you can see the slight differences a more regular meter gives you, ensuring that your rhymes fall in the right places when you read aloud.
Nyx - lol.. thank you so much Leanne for the suggestions!! I am glad you didn't see it quite so... estrogen laden.. it really wasn't my intention to make it sound quite like that.. but, some females are fickle anmd can be that way! lol.. i do apologize for taking so long to respond!! All imput is always welcome! thanks again!
Kath - I very much like the undertone of humor in this poem, right from the first "closed eyes" view to the "accidental" advice of the ending. The language has an elegance, like the sea, and yet the picture of this particular feminine person is very amusing and (like the sea) often rugged. I like the contrasts you've drawn here.
Nyx - lol, thank you very much Kath! sad but true.. there is a vixen hiding in most female souls..... i like your review very much, I do not know if i truly meant it to be humerous, but.... i can see your point. With the advice of using caution when one is in a mood... it very well could be! lol... ty ty!
Invite participants
Share at Facebook
Share at Twitter
Share at LinkedIn
Reference this page