Space

Anstey - on Apr. 13 2007
I think the images are here. I think the idea is here. I think you're on the right track. BUT, i also think this lacks voice. Let's go back a bit to the first best bit of poetic advice a poet can get: Show, don't tell.

Now, there is more to it than that, but in this particular piece, I think if you keep those words in your head, you'll see where you can clip, strip, and reconfigure this into something a bit more asthetically pleasing.

let's start at the beginning: "Some people," -- in this case, why not illustrate? The abstract 'some people' is far less intriguing than say, 'oopity doopity people' or 'mop haired freaks, so-fine chiqs and the fribbulous dips between' ... whatever.. the point is, 'some people' doesn't own the reader. YOU are the fuehrer here... you are the absolute dictator of your audience. Tell them what they feel, what they want, what they see. 'some people' doesn't do that. Neither does 'sometimes' ... and even space can be expanced, or painted to tell them exactly what you want them to believe.
There is nothing intrinsically wrong with 'you' ... but, this whole line begs a metaphor or simile. Some image or strong motion to drag your audience to the conclusion you want them to share.
These three lines start to build an image, but fall a bit short. Blow it out. Take them to the extreme. the small language, in a grand piece such as this seems to diminish the point. At times, understatement is good, and I can see that you could go that way if you wanted with this point. But then, i think you'd want to avoid this giant concept of 'spacetime' -- the allusion to blackholes and such.
One might argue that the mobius strip is your poem. I am not sure, but if it is, then think it through from the beginning. Look it up, and find out the history of mobious strips. Use that information to flesh this out.
Well, as one of my oldest and dearest friends, I can attest to the truth of this with us.

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• stephan

Tracey - on Apr. 15 2007
I don't have as much technical advice to offer as Anstey, but I can tell you that I love the core of this. As a person who seems to need much more space than my beloveds (friends and family alike), I appreciate the acknowledgement that space is, in fact, a part of healthy relationships!

Love the ending. The older I get, the more I find that dear friends with whom I've lost touch tend to pop up again as if no time has passed. It's a beautiful thing.

Go back and tell me more, give me more details (in showing, not telling). Yes, revisit the idea of the mobius strip and see how you can get more mileage out of it.