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Shakespeare's Monkeys

Infinite Monkeys. Infinite Typewriters.

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A Quiet Storm

A soft multilayered poem.

Dalton_Highway_in_Winter.jpg

The snow came

softly

replacing dawn

 

What had been

tersely brown and grey

was lightened

 

The day filled the woods

filled in places where things

had been taken

had been left empty

 

Something cold and crystalline

cracked open

something long frozen

 

bare

encovered

you reach for me

I melt into you

 

All the while

the snow kept falling

filling the night

with dark and silent brilliance

 

Comments

Anstey - on Feb. 15 2007
I think it filled 'the place' or 'places' .. probably just a typo.

I generally like the way this reads. Particularly the ending. The subject matter is common enough that I'd worry about being trite, but I think you did a good job with it. (Oh, and I'll move your library over asap .. you don't remember your member number do you )


  • stephan

TriOak - on Feb. 15 2007

Thanks for finding the typo, Stephan.  I haven't written anything in months, so I'm happy for *any* poem, trite or otherwise

Did I HAVE a number at DMV   If I had one, and I play it in the lottery and it wins, do I have to give you half my winnings

Ah, it's good to be back LOL!


Pags - on Feb. 21 2007

I very much like the image you paint here with your words, whether or not it has been done before. You capture the sense of the long slow transformation of falling snow which feels timeless. There are lines in this poem that I find outstanding.  My favourite has to be "tersely brown and grey" closely folowed by "cold and crystalline / cracked". I am less convinced by your use of tense, stanza five being in the present. As I read I want everything to be written present tense in one sustained moment of time becoming out-of-time, emphasised by phrases such as "all the while".

As I read again I wonder about the word 'encovered'. Was this a typo, or did you want to convey the image of bare beneath the sheets? If it is a typo then the tautology doesn't work for me, but reflects the tautology of the third verse (had been taken, had been left empty). If the word wasn't a typo then I feel the word is too 'clever' to use within the simplicity of the rest of your word choices.

Overall though I LIKE this poem very well. I guess its because of that that I want to edit it into something outstanding! Arrogant or what? Ho hum. Use my comments or discard them, whatever fits.


TriOak - on Feb. 22 2007

Pags,

Man, your comments are *exactly* the type of feedback I'm looking for!!!  Thanks muchly.  I agree with you on the tense.  It seems much better to keep the action all in the present.   I'm stuck myself on the 'encovered'.  It's not a word, and I don't much believe in 'poetic license', but it says exactly what I want and for the life of me I can't figure how else to say it.  I want the image of being naked under warm and comforting covers.  I'd welcome any suggestions that way.

I've revised it thusly:

A Quiet Storm

 

The snow comes

softly,

replacing dawn.

 

What had been

tersely brown and grey

is lightened.

 

The day fills the woods.

Fills in places where things

have been taken,

have been left empty.

 

Something cold and crystalline

cracks open

something long frozen.

 

Bare,

encovered

you reach for me

I melt into you.

 

All the while

the snow keeps falling,

filling the night

with dark and silent brilliance.

Thanks,

K.

 

 


Pags - on Feb. 22 2007

YES!

Regarding different wording - how about something as direct as this?
Bare,
beneath the covers
you reach for me
I melt into you.

TriOak - on Feb. 22 2007

I like, but without the 'the'

bare

under cover

You reach for me

I melt into you

 

Thanks again,

Kathy


Pags - on Feb. 25 2007

Glad to be of some service


Anstey - on May 30 2007

where've you gone!


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  • stephan

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