Leanne Hanson - Really like "in concert with the clothes dryer" -- everyone knows that frustration! I wonder why you have "whoever they is" though, the inconsistency of grammar doesn't really show up anywhere else. Do you want this to be in prose form, or is it intended to be broken into poem lines? If you go poem, line breaks are really going to make this quite powerful if you put them in the right places -- and I wouldn't necessarily break it into regulation stanzas either. You have a good refrain but there's no reason not to play with its use a bit. Just beware of the overuse of similes -- while yours are fairly unique and interesting, too many "likes" can in fact weaken a poem and it might be best to turn a few into outright metaphors. I'd be happy to run over it again with you when I know what direction you want to take it in.
PS. These are showing up as "unpublished", do you want us to have at them right now? If you do, there should be a "publish" option on them -- I can only see them because I'm one of those sneaky administrators who gets to spy on everything. Well, almost everything. I can't see your underwear. Maybe when the site is updated.
Just yell at us if you want a hand.
Leanne Hanson - OK, so I have a couple of spare minutes and I thought I'd ignore any possible objections you might have for the time being so I can just play with this.
There as always: frustration bubbling
over like overcooked oatmeal,
lies the object of my search,
perched and willing my anger
to have another look,
stuffed into a corner, smiling its innocence.
Intolerable denial,
in the last place I looked.
Having its way with me
again, like some worn out hooker on
Johnson street, assembled together,
without instruction,
hidden from view
until that magical moment
time and space interact with relevance,
to appear from nowhere,
(and have the last laugh)
knowing a repeat performance is just
around any corner, like out of a book,
I re-search the area
knowing it can't be any further
than the last place I look.
No mystery is greater than
that which i undertook,
to understand the machinations,
searching,
the last place I looked.
I think they may be
in concert with the clothes dryer
whoever they are, wherever they live,
they always show up
in the last place I look
Dan Caldwell - Hi Yeah anything you can do to help is a welcome gesture, I like what youve done with the narrative turning it into a poem, as for the other poems, I hear ya and if you have time and are interested please I will take any help from you, Ive only been writing poems for about 3 months so im very much a rookie and very much addicted, I thought these would be published fro all to read so I guess im doing soething wrong as they are meant to be in public, so i will try to hit the right button but if they are still wrong next time ay look do that magic that you do and make em public.........the bad grammar in the one poem is a typo type error, I have lots of other poems that i think are better i can post too, and i welcome your critique crticism or help ok, thanks Dan C
Leanne Hanson - Dan, if you go to the "forums" tag at the top of the page (and this will possibly change once Stephan finishes the site upgrade, but it's there for now), you'll find down the bottom a link to a forum called "versed, reversed and unversed" or some such, which is purely for discussions about poetry and has some fairly useful information, hints and tips. Meanwhile, I'll get these published and view-able for you.
Dan Caldwell - Hi, ok i figured out how to publish them finally, I just added a new one that has better meter, I would be interested to know what you think of it.
thank you for all your help thus far
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